the g-code…

kobe bryant is arguably the best player in the league today, but i hate him…not in the“if i see him i would attempt to do him physical harm” sense…let’s face it…he’s 6’6”, works out about 344 more days a year than i do and hangs with ron artest…chances are, that just wouldn’t be a good look for me…but back in the summer of 2003, he broke one of the cardinal rules…he cheated on his wife…ha…just kidding…all athletes do that (athlete being defined as any man who can)…but in the waning moments of his first brush with the law, an obviously shook bryant, let the description of another man’s transgressions escape from his lips as he told the eagle, co police what his, then teammate, shaq did to prevent such problems from getting blown out of proportion…this was in direct violation gentlemen’s code 64C section 8 paragraph 21 which states that…well…you shouldn’t do that…so that explains why i never shake mr. mamba’s hand during the pregame when our teams meet annually on christmas day…well that and the fact that we generally aren’t in the same building and sometimes aren’t even on the same coast…oh yeah…and i don’t really have a team…all beside the point…i thought it might be important to review the gentlemen’s code and call out some of the major offences so that future nba stars don’t see their careers spiral horribly into 8 additional carats and 2 additional nba championships like my arch nemesis…

thou shall not snitch…to be clear…we are not advocating stitches for this rule offender…the g-code version of this rule only applies in cases where no actual laws are being broken (we’ll let the criminals discuss their own code of conduct)…quite simply, you are not allowed to talk of another man’s infidelity (or activities period) unless that man is:

–       dating a close relative (1^st cousin is the cut-off)…

–       dating someone in your inner circle (2 -3 non relatives max)…

–       dating someone that one of your boys thought he was in an exclusive relationship with…

–       known to be carrying something that could cause a possible life span reduction (strap it up)…

if the offence doesn’t fall into one of these 4 categories, it never happened…and to make it easier on your boys, try keeping those conquest stories to yourself…realistically, once you’re past 19-20 no one really cares to hear those anyway unless they involve you doing something heroic to make it happen…the less you tell the less information there will be available for anyone to share “on your behalf”…

thou shall have one “main”…this rule is to prevent the hoarding of ladies…basically you can date as many women as you would like at any given time, however you are only allowed to claim one as a “main”…the “main” could very well be the girlfriend, wifey etc…there are likely to be feelings involved that might lead to issues if one of the homies tries to push up…to avoid these possible issues, she is labeled as “the one” and the rest of the friends must fall back…this also allows us to avoid a lot of the confusion that women tend to get into about who saw/met/liked a person first…any new lady we meet is fair game for the entire crew until one member wraps her about the head with the strong feelings club…of course the woman is free to make her own decision and that decision may actually trump the rest of the process…

thou shall not date my sister or my ex…for 2 totally different reasons…some things your boy does is hilarious when done to some random lady he met during a weekend excursion to miami…these things are not nearly as funny if said random lady spent some of her formative years fighting you for cereal box toys…

exes might actually be negotiable…technically she is no longer a main, but it’s still difficult to account for any residual feelings so it may be best to just steer clear…

thou shall take one for the team…as the old saying (that just came into existence when i typed it) goes…sometimes you get the breast and thigh 2 piece but sometimes you gotta take the wing…it is a man’s duty to run interference with the “personality” of the group so that other members may choose the fairer maidens when necessary…you always have to remember that it’s 10 times more painful to need a friend to step up and not have one around than it is to entertain an ill-tempered booger-wolf for a few minutes…so any interference you run is really an investment in your own future success…

so those are the 4 most basic g-code violations…so fellows…which ones did i unintentionally omit…how about you ladies…do you try to enact any code of conduct to protect friendships and the best interest of women world wide…

elrock…it ain’t nothing but a g-thang baby…