elrock’s adventures in moving…

greetings from the concrete jungle where dreams are being manufactured as we speak…

that’s right folks, your favorite southern ubf contributor obtained his freedom papers and found a new home north of the mason dixon line…this chapter of my life led me to the big apple where it’s normal to have man dressed like thriller michael jackson board the train with a casio keyboard and where a wild night of drinking and popping e pills can leave you trying to peak up the skirt of lady liberty…not me, but i’m sure somebody has tried it…

i spent most of last week procrastinating unpacking polos and jordans while at the same time realizing how little i will be using of either in the months to come…now that everything but my cd collection (which has been in the same boxes since 2009) is unpacked, i felt like now would be a great time to both reflect on the experience and provide proper warning to any of you would be home swappers…

below you will find my un-exhaustive and non-comprehensive list of everything you have to look forward to once you turn your goods over to total strangers with hopes of meeting up with them again in another city… Read more of this post

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baby bucket list…

Would you agree that the onset of miniature people incapable of fending for themselves attached to those people we know is happening at an alarming rate?

Now we could argue that we are at that age…or that married people can only go to applebees so many times before they get bored…or that the world’s future depends on procreation…no matter the reason there are still things that everyone needs to do before they step up to the dna slot machine with a partner, put in their coin and hope for the best…

I present to you the two times certified ubf list of things to do before turning in your ‘I don’t have kids’ pendant:

+ Travel via planes often…the combination of cost, limited free hands, stranger dirty looks and TSA probing will restrict all of your travel destinations to within an iPhone’s battery life of a road trip when the little booger monster is involved…

+ Be careless with your porn…right now it is cool to hide your go to site in a nested bookmark on that browser that doesn’t have an icon on the desktop or to stash a few dvds/mags in a shoe box amongst your real sneaker collection. But no hiding tactic is fail proof with ankle biters in the house. They will not only find it but conveniently take the contraband to your wife therefore committing porn-icide on your behalf… Read more of this post

straw polling…ubf presidential picks…

after closely following (and by closely, i mean watching from a safe bs splatter free distance) the iowa straw polls that took place over the weekend, i thought it might be high time for ubf to throw a few additional straws into that bale…

with this great union of ours in fiscal disarray and political cluster f-edness, a change might be in order…with that in mind, we’ve pulled together a list of possible replacements just in case barry obama gets his white house access revoked…so here are our additions to that 2012 ballot… Read more of this post

get in the game…

I’ve recently read one too many bios that include the phrase ‘I don’t play games’ and then find a buffet size list of dating complaints in the same person’s stream of 140 letters or less digital rants. So I’m devoting the next 750 or so words to trying to solve this knowing that the ones that need to read it won’t make it pass the click more button and those that do are probably already equipped with this knowledge…but as is life…

The root of dating pain for most is that they feel it isn’t a sport…while the potential partners in their ‘so you think you can be my husband’ pairings are definitely approaching it as a sport…and probably a seasoned veteran at this point because of her need to date older guys (another post for another day)…

Now as much as I’d like to tell you to filter out those players of this ‘game’ and find the genuine gents, I’m not sure your ovaries are that patient…don’t fret though because just like LeBron if you know the rules and apply a little practice here and there, you can experience mediocre results from great expectations… Read more of this post

co-parenting vs. marriage…

yesterday afternoon i left my new east coast home base to head to the town that birthed elrock, both the blogging moniker and the real live person, to witness two of the homies uniting to become one in the eyes of god and uncle sam…

in between sexual advances from the flight attendant on the way down, i couldn’t help but be reminded of a series of conversations i’ve been involved in recently discussing various life arrangements designed to sidestep the finality of the ever so unpopular “til death do you partedness”…one of the options i found the most intriguing was this idea of co-parenting…oddly, this title wasn’t even my idea as i am a lot

fonder of the practice procreation sessions vs. the ones that add parenting to your list of life responsibilities…but being against real commitment the open-minded person that i am, i decided to at least give it a listen… Read more of this post

5 things you should never forget or forgive…

Believe it or not but there was a time when I was known as young onetrik…not necessarily because of my age but more directly related to the maturity-free diet my dating life was on…I know amazing…

While I managed to curtail excessive sea man droppage inside of naval bases, I did encounter a few less than flattering moments where I found myself begging for forgiveness while hoping for forgetness…

For instance, there was the time when I decided to tell the girl that I had been long distance dating that one of us was not exclusively dating the other in addition to winnie pooh’n a few local honey pots…in front of a dinner party of mixed company…

Or the time that I broke up with a girlfriend and started dating a female I had just met within 48 hours of each other…and evidently in the wrong order as the latter happened before the former…

And another that I would have hoped to have forgotten was when I met my first college boo-thang over the summer and proceeded to break up during the first week of classes…not through a conversation but by attempting to date the other girl from her high school at our university… Read more of this post

women’s imagina…i mean intuition…

hey kids…gather around…no, come in a little closer because this one is important…today’s story is about the big bad intuition…after hearing another story about misguided intuition i thought it was time we tackle this monster head on…

now i’m not here to say it doesn’t exist…i mean, how else would moms rock have known when her eldest son was trying to smuggle forbidden cookies back to his hideout…however, i would like to put this intuition’s prevalence, relevance and true usefulness into the debate blender…puree…

if i had to liken this intuition to anything/one it would have to be old st. nick…there was a while in my youth where i heard of the good deeds of this portly patron and had witnessed at least hints of his presence…but as time passed and the mystique faded, i started to notice some glaring outages in his red furry armour…

as it turned out, the story was not completely false…there was indeed someone delivering toys and consuming cookies and lactaid…but the reality was far less whimsical than the original imaginative tale…but the gift negotiations became a lot more effective once we squeezed out the fantasy…

this women’s intuition sounds like a great thing…so great in fact, that unlike lil wayne’s package, i don’t believe every woman actually received it…the belief that you have it leaves you writing letters to santa going through phones and emails instead of asking the right questions to get to the real answers… Read more of this post

7 things we should retire…

The sports world has been hit with some interesting retirement announcements over the past few weeks. Starting a few weeks back with Yao Ming’s retirement from the NBA after what felt like 8 short years all the way up to this week seeing the conclusion of a great career by Randy Moss from the NFL, it feels like the beginning of the end for some of the best athletes from our generation…

To selfishly combat this, I thought it might be a good time to explore some non-hall of fame worthy things that we might not be sad to see go…

7) Standing on couches before standing in line for your passport…As a site founded on the idea of the bottle playing an integral role in all good times, it may seem like an awkward request but we’ve seen too many people buying a bottle from a place that they have not only never been but could not actually point out on a map…

6) Cornrows…I know it took you a good amount of time to grow your hair to that length but your preferred hairstyle is limiting your job and female opportunities simultaneously. Stop sitting in people’s laps and get a real haircut…   Read more of this post

putting the man in man-ogamy…

now before my spelling bee champions begin firing your darts of disagreement, i know that the word is really monogamy, but that would starve the title of all of the cleverness i’ve been trying to feed to it for the last 37 seconds…

i once heard that it is unnatural for a man to settle down with a single loin serving …i then heard it repeated a few thousand times…so of course i believed it…kinda like the folks that believe that raising taxes will hurt the economy…i digress…so once i gave up on finding “the one”, i shifted my life goal to becoming the poor black version of vincent chase, which is damn near impossible when your ‘entourage’ is more popular than you are…

don’t get me wrong…i love love…especially when it looks like that main character from single ladies (i still have no idea what the show is about as i watch it muted with luther vandross playing in the background)…but let’s face it, lust is much easier to understand and ascertain…sure the ease of it should not be reason enough to keep trying to plug every attractive ‘leak’, but i believe most of us assume that if they plug enough of them, you can trade in your lust coins for a big furry stuffed love… Read more of this post

the real 5 friends every woman should have…

As normal, I spent the evening (in between sips of jack daniels honey of course) perusing various internet locals looking for inspiration for this here post…a few clicks in and I found myself in a very unlikely place…Oprah.com…

Now don’t get me wrong, I for damn sure would take a new car from Sofia (or her media properties) but when it comes to advice I’m going to stick to fortune cookies and twitter trending topics….but the title of this specific article caught my interest so I gave it a quick read…feel free to go do the same…

“5 friends every woman should have”

I’m not trying to say women shouldn’t be giving each other advice on what type of friends they should have…no wait actually I am…I’ve collected approximately 73 data samples that have told me that the average (emphasis on this word average) woman does in fact not know how to select her own friends…only 13.6% of all women between the ages of 18-35 have successfully chosen the appropriate friends…truly sad I know…for those scoring at home, you may have guessed that all of these numbers have been pulled from a place that doesn’t see much sun…and you are correct… Read more of this post