text-enuating circumstances…why he never calls…

if i had a dollar for every time i’ve heard a young lady complain about  some dude that has chosen to bypass the vocals in order to let his fingers do all the talking, i may’ve been able to completely forgo this day job thing i was recently reintroduced to…

i see you sitting at your bi-weekly man “critiquing” dinners audibly wondering why the guy you let slow hump you to novacane last week at your neighborhood juke joint is now refusing to douse you with his anytime minutes…

well, allow me to pull my chair up to your pf chang table, enjoy some of your delicious lettuce wraps and leave this series of possible reasons scribbled on the back of your receipt…

check please…

he’s shy…once again, the simplest answer is probably not the correct one…i suppose it is possible that somehow the prospects of him spending 34 minutes listening to you compare the basketball wives in mia to those in la could leave him so terrified that he could only muster up enough courage to send some tremble fingered texts…it is also possible that lil wayne put a great deal of thought into his verses ever on the carter iv…but we all know the truth lil tuenchi…

his significant other doesn’t like him pursuing other ladies…now this one probably deserves some consideration…there is a huge difference between won’t call and he can’t call because he is in a “hot grits to the chest/skillet to the head” induced coma…

those pesky time constraints…another potential convo killer is of the non-breasted variety…time is a very valuable non renewable resource…every day there are several priorities competing for a chance to absorb some of those precious seconds…you’re mentally penalizing this oblivious time constrained young gentlemen because you had hoped he would dole out some of these sacred seconds on a priority affirming conversation with you…unfortunately, you have yet to supplant one of those existing priorities…and you know how they say you should treat those who refuse to make you a priority…you don’t…well just wait…he’ll text it to you…

you’re unknowingly on your first date…also known as the commitment-phobe special…as an unrepentant infrequent dialer, i have discovered that you can tell a great deal about someone from the way they respond to a well worded, poorly punctuated text message…these pre-screening text are also a good opportunity to sprinkle in some of those potentially awkward (yet completely necessary) first date questionnaire questions…but this way you give the other party ample time to come up with the “right” answers…this beats sitting through a dinner not knowing the person seated across the table from you can’t spell 47% of the things they say…and based on some quick back of the napkin calculations, cost of bytes << cost of bites…

you’re in the post screen “and the survey says”…simply stated…in the maury pauvich land of continued live communication, you are not the father…you’re right…maybe that wasn’t so simple…somewhere in those initial text exchanges, you realized that he really wasn’t the one…however, you also knew winter was quickly approaching so you were willing to overlook this obvious mismatch in an effort to have some completely undeserving chap tuck his ashy ankles between your flat and fitted sheets…so really, he’s only saving you from yourself…

i’m looking out over the crowd and i see that there are some puzzled faces…don’t be bashful…please…express your concerns…share your questions…or any additional reasons i may have omitted…

elrock…textual relations specialist…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

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