rules of the man crush…

There comes the times in every straight man’s life when he recognizes that he has an appreciation for certain aspects (non-sexual) of another man’s life…and if you are vigorously shaking your head no, you may have misplaced your homophobic medicine in that little closet of yours…it isn’t gay to give credit to another man’s choice in suits unless you are doing that after noticing it on your floor following a night of naked pitch and catch…

Many refer to this as a man crush…not to be confused with a bromance which is an entirely different topic on itself…for example, I have a man crush on Bradley Cooper…well let me make one point of clarification, I have a man crush on the characters that Bradley Cooper tends to play in movies…I couldn’t tell you how he actually lives in his normal day to day life given the lack of TMZ sightings or police reports but the guys his name is associated with in the closing credits always seem to be of the kind of person that you wouldn’t mind tagging in your facebook pictures following a weekend of foolery…as that is the true sign of male friendship…

The reasons male crushes are such a hush topic is that straight-straight  guys tend  to not want others to think they are gay, gay-straight guys tend to not want others to know they are gay and gay-gay guys tend to actually not care what others think especially those in the other two categories…

In an attempt to help those of us in the first category, I’ve come up with some rules for the man crush that should erase those fears…and they should be pretty easy to follow if you are in fact in the first category…

For starters, you shouldn’t want to be the man you have a man crush on…recognizing that he always has a crisp pair of limited edition sneaks or that his joke success rate is phenomenal are more than ok but the minute you begin to introduce yourself as him (or his cousin once removed) at dinner parties, you have crossed into inappropriate territory…

Not only should you not want to be him but you shouldn’t find yourself looking at images of him on a regular basis…there are enough images in google image search to keep you otherwise busy (just search melanie iglesias and thank me later) such that he won’t randomly appear on your browser…or desktop…or phone screensaver…and no one has posters at this age so get rid of those too…

When referencing your man crush, the words man and crush should always be present…explaining to someone that LL Cool J is your crush or that Kanye West is your man may not yield the reaction you intended to receive…

As someone who has never asked for a signature outside of endorsing a check, I don’t quite get them so we’ll add this to the rules as well…no signed memorabilia stored away in your safe place or on display next to your degree…

Your favorite athlete or the best player on your favorite team does not have to be your male crush…not to say that he can’t but don’t feel required to waste your non-sexual lusting on someone just because they run a 4.4 40…

Anyone you see on a semi-regular basis is disqualified from consideration…you remember what happened that one time you had six too many drinks and took that wombat of a woman home with you…we’d hate to see what awkward situation comes up if you man crush on your sister’s husband at karaoke night…

However in the rare chance that you do come across your man crush, do not under any circumstances lead with the words ‘you are my man crush’, ‘I have the biggest man crush on you’ or ‘will you take a picture with me man crush’…he will hear everything you say except ‘man’ and reply with ‘you make me uncomfortable, go thatta-way’…

I could keep going but let’s leave a few for you ubfers to offer up in that empty comments section below…

onetrik…round of applause for this message’s lack of ‘swag’ or ‘pause’…

 

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

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