baby beyonce and other tales of disappointment…

this can’t be happening…i, like many others sat Indian style in the middle of my living room floor breathing heavily, clutching the remote in my left hand hand  and an ice cream sandwich in my right, watching beyonce knowles-z do her tv tease thing…and…just like most of you, i had the oxygen come sprinting out of my lungs as she peeled back her shimmery tux jacket to reveal what looked to be a nerf football stuffed inside a cummerbund…

that nerf football turned out to be a real live human that her and shawn carter worked on apparently between watch the throne verses…and just like that, my plans of  accidentally impregnating ms. “to the left” were out the window…let’s face it, after this bout with pregnancy she’ll never fall for my “that’s not really how babies are made” baby making scheme…

over time, the sinking feeling of dying butterflies in my stomach was replaced with the normal lactose induced cramps, but i couldn’t help but reflect on some of the other occurrences that have lead me to this perpetual drunken state…

halle berry…please see the beyonce situation and replace shawn carter with ricky shroeder…or whatever her baby daddy’s name was…every since she told marcus where love should’ve dropped him off, i’ve been trying to tell her i was already there…because it was 1992…and moms wouldn’t really let me keep my love anywhere else…

santa clause isn’t real…christmas use to be the only time during the year when it didn’t matter if you were poor…as long as you used proper grammar and punctuation and sent those expensive request directly to the north pole, you could expect nothing but the finest in made in china north pole trinkets and toys…that is until one day my grandmother thought it pertinent to let her 7 year old grandson know that jesus was responsible for all of my pending christmas morning deliveries…but he tapped my lower middle class parents to finance the operation…worked well for transformers…not so well for air jordans…

and neither is the easter bunny…wait…so jesus didn’t have a big rabbit hide playfully colored eggs to help his disciples track him down after he rose…ahh…damn you secular/religious holidays…

what do you mean checks have to be backed by real money…in my youth, i had  been lead to believe that there was this book filled with magic paper that would allow you to purchase whatever you wanted as long as you were able to write the right number on it (both the digits and the long hand form of course)…so i later found out, that if those digits did not reflect money that you had or would have shortly, that same magic paper transformed into a get into jail free card…

yeah i’ve experienced a female orgasm…wait wha…they have those too…i spent my early years of urethran exploration” assuming that mounting the hill was all of the battle…that was until i was informed that the ladies had a pre-designated finish line that seemed to be located somewhere after mine… leaving me to do as the usc trojans had to do with those reggie bush years…turn all those w’s into l’s…

ubf’ers, join me in the nest of trust…what are some of your most disappointing life realizations…

elrock…i wish i was a little bit taller…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

One Response to baby beyonce and other tales of disappointment…

  1. t says:

    Rotflmao @ ricky schroeder and checks backed by cash!!!!!

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