and you say she’s just a friend…

it has often been said that men and women simply cannot maintain platonic friendships…and the reason generally given is fairly simple…because men will hunch pretty much anything that looks like it has the faintest possibility of producing friction pleasure…well we here at ubf have argued to the contrary (although that might’ve just been me)…

but as i sit here drizzling hennessy xo across my keyboard, there are some of you ladies out there that have had your eye on the man region of a particular fellow and can’t seem to figure out why the distance between you and said region leave you needing a quarter activated set of binoculars to see it…

as luck would have it, just like anytime you click on that ubf bookmark, you’ve come to the right place…today’s post has been painstakingly designed to a) help you figure out if you’ve been relegated to the bedroom bench and b) help you determine what could’ve gotten you there…you read that right…the ever so rare double fisted listed post…

so…go grab your glass of nuvo and meet me over here in the list corner… 

you’re on the bedroom bench if…

 – your slow pitched flirtatious advances flutter by without him even pretending to swing at them…you have basically sent him an rsvp to v-land and he replied with an unequivocal regret…please have a seat next to the coach…

– he’s never even joked about sleeping with you…they always say that in every joke, there is a little bit of truth, right…well as it stands he has no desire whatsoever to put any of his truth in your…uhh…joke…i know…it’s really not funny…

–  he continuously misses even your written hints…if text conversations abruptly stop when you send him an invitation to view your lol smiley face, you should go ahead and put your shooting shirt back on…you’ll be watching the rest of the game from the lust pine…

now to the why…

he put you there because…

– you had a tangible resource that was more valuable than the one you tried to hurl into his bed…namely friends who he thinks are more ‘bed-ready’ than you are…other possible resources could be pretty much anything he risks giving up when this short term arrangement goes awry…and we know it will…

– he’s seen something on you that makes it impossible for him to ever view you as the object of  his 27 minute affection…like marcus nash’s anti-hammertime rule, some of us can be pretty finicky about some seemingly harmless things…these can range from the physical like hairy legs, your gremlin toes or your 6’5” 312 pound husband to the unseen like your ability to go bat “spit” crazy for no apparent reason…

– he just hasn’t gotten around to it…in perhaps the least likely scenario (aka, the one you’re going to go off believing) he is currently inflating his courage to a coitus sustaining level…wait for it…wait for it…

– he likes boys…despite your best efforts to steer him towards your pelvic plume, nature has spoken…he’s a peacock and you’ve gotta let him fly…

please note how his “intimidation” did not make the list…and i assure you, no guy will shy away because he’s afraid of getting hurt…

so there you have it…well…minus those things i missed…which are (ubf insert comments here)…

elrock…platonic passover specialist…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

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