straw polling…ubf presidential picks…

after closely following (and by closely, i mean watching from a safe bs splatter free distance) the iowa straw polls that took place over the weekend, i thought it might be high time for ubf to throw a few additional straws into that bale…

with this great union of ours in fiscal disarray and political cluster f-edness, a change might be in order…with that in mind, we’ve pulled together a list of possible replacements just in case barry obama gets his white house access revoked…so here are our additions to that 2012 ballot…

kenny f’in powers aka la flama blanca…this former baseball god has the cojones to go toe to toe with any foe foreign or domestic…yes he has a foul mouth and he is an attempted womanizer (quality wasn’t always there), but he might just be the type of straight talking 6 smashing cat we need to keep michelle balchman quiet…wait…was that sexist…let’s just pretend that kenny f’in powers doing the talking

marlow stanfield…sure he ran the galtimore heroin drug game for a few seasons of the wire, but who didn’t…you’re right…horrible seway…but you have to admit, he has shown the mild temperament necessary to navigate a drought these tough times…he has a knack for controlling tough negotiations and if nothing else, he will definitely make sure the country’s name is never disrespected…ever…

jack bauer…that’s right, your favorite bad ass’ favorite bad ass…we could elect him and send his highlight reel to libya, n. korea and china then sit back and watch while dictators step down and debts are erased…of course we’d probably also find ourselves short a few congressmen and women (see i’m not sexist after all)…because we all know mr. bauer only knows one way to solve disagreements…

craig from friday…he whooped deebo and he cold…

don draper…this sultan of swag has been dazzling the socks off of brand execs while at the same time pied piping every kitten that crosses his path…if nothing else, he can keep the country entertained with his parade of female conquest…wait…we did this one back in the 90’s…what up teflon bill…

abraham lincoln…wait wait…now before you go getting all excited, i know he’s not as attractive as some of the other candidates but his track record for dealing with difficult situations in unparalleled…and he seems to have a special place in his heart for the negro…wait wha…what’s that you said…what do you mean he got shot…in a theatre…was he watching, menace to society…well damn…i knew i should’ve paid more attention in history…

barack obama…sure he’s had one swing at it already and all the he’s proven is that kenyan’s might be muslims, but they aren’t magicians…while he was trying to deliver us change we could believe in, we needed a little more of that change we could deposit…i’m still picking him over any of this weekend’s iowan fried butter eaters…but only if these other 6 aren’t available…

ubf’ers, we’re interested in expanding this ballot with some other worth candidates…

elrock…so help me god…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

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