the real 5 friends every woman should have…

As normal, I spent the evening (in between sips of jack daniels honey of course) perusing various internet locals looking for inspiration for this here post…a few clicks in and I found myself in a very unlikely place…Oprah.com…

Now don’t get me wrong, I for damn sure would take a new car from Sofia (or her media properties) but when it comes to advice I’m going to stick to fortune cookies and twitter trending topics….but the title of this specific article caught my interest so I gave it a quick read…feel free to go do the same…

“5 friends every woman should have”

I’m not trying to say women shouldn’t be giving each other advice on what type of friends they should have…no wait actually I am…I’ve collected approximately 73 data samples that have told me that the average (emphasis on this word average) woman does in fact not know how to select her own friends…only 13.6% of all women between the ages of 18-35 have successfully chosen the appropriate friends…truly sad I know…for those scoring at home, you may have guessed that all of these numbers have been pulled from a place that doesn’t see much sun…and you are correct…

Even if there is no hard scientific data to support my argument, I will point to a few qualitative reasons for my hypothesis…

+ Being friends with most women is tough in the first place…this is multiplied when you factor in a women on both sides of the friendship…it’s like trying to raise the country’s debt ceiling in jeggings…don’t believe me try not answering a text message or voicemail (in the expected 17 minute interval) and you will understand this…now before you blame this on my family jewels snugged ever so comfortably in my briefs, I actually experienced this scenario first hand between two mutual female friends last week so I’m convinced it has nothing to do with my lack of ‘wo’….

+ Women choose friends for silly reasons…just because your parents forced you to play as children or you were assigned roommates freshmen year or dated the same guy that you now both hate or were on the same sorority line of 82 girls, it does not mean you will actually get along as grown folks…true friendships are built on real things like common interest in football teams, no overlap in potential smash partners and similar tastes in alcoholic beverages…

+ Women are naturally jealous…I’ve come across those that have been able to overcome this but just as men are wired to scratch themselves in public, ladies have a bit of jealousy tucked away waiting to pop up….this means that unless her friends are in jail, on basketball wives or continually single she will be put in many situations where jealousy will cloud her thought process in any interaction that requires her to earn that friendship badge…

With that out of the way, you are either wondering what I’d suggest as the friends that women should have or you wanting me to shut this nonsense up…well I’ve got another 250 words or so before this ice melts in my drink so we are going to go with the former…*slow clap for the list*

+ team player – there will come times when you find yourself in the company of a group of gentlemen that is one available prince charming short…unlike those that may define that time as ‘I’m ret to go’, the team player will not be deterred by this and will allow you the necessary wing-woman presence needed to determine if your prince is the real deal or just a dressed up toad…

+ employed friend – while It would be nice for this to be the trust fund friend, it is sufficient for her to simply be employed…nothing proves more taxing on a friendship than a broke friend…don’t force your stomach to endure golden corral buffets when it deserves p.f. changs…

+ just as cute friend – when looking to effectively navigate these dating streets, being surrounded by equally attractive friends will ensure that you receive your fairly distributed share of attention…associating with noticeably more attractive friends will leave you with low self-esteem and socializing with mud ducks will negatively impact the opportunity for being approached…parity ensures the closest thing to a coin toss that natural selection can offer…

+ virtuous woman – assuming you have or will have a man in the future, the peace of mind of knowing you can leave your friend and him in the room together unsupervised is invaluable…trust me the constant bible study invites will be worth it…

+ the mirror friend – you know when you see someone out and it makes you question whether or not she owns a mirror…well this friend solves this problem if you happen to skip past the mirror a little too quickly…she will make sure you know of any and all wardrobe malfunctions or mismatches prior to the bathroom attendant telling you…

Run don’t walk to fill out your friend circles with these folks…any adds can be submitted in that nifty section titled comments…

onetrik…my buddy my buddy my buddy and meeee….

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

One Response to the real 5 friends every woman should have…

  1. TNK says:

    Add this list to Oprah’s and every girl will forever have the perfect group of friends. Ha!

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