the daddy code…

as i took my customary sunday seat at the sizzler yesterday, i realized that it was a bit more active than usual…in my hurry to scarf down my steak and malibu chicken i started to notice that there were an inordinate amount of dudes at the big s…in the a, that can mean one of two things…either they’ve introduced another gay friendly weekend that they forgot to tell me about or it was father’s day…given the overabundance of ugly neckwear, i was fairly certain it was the latter…

now i don’t have any kids that i know of ,although i do hope to one day accidentally impregnate solange’s sister on purpose since jay seems to be dragging his feet have a few little blog readers of my own…but just like most of the stuff we write about, i didn’t think that should prevent me from being able to list out a few duties that these cats should be handling throughout the year to earn this crisscrossed grilled goodness…so wannabe dads go grab your pens so you can copy this list verbatim…

keep your daughter off the pole…this duty has been repeated time and time again but the growing staff at onyx aka the stripper warehouse, leads me to believe that this duty has consistently been left to perform itself…and it is not doing a good job…

keep your son from rooming with a dude that likes to pack his exit hatch with man meat against his will…this can start with a simple lesson in right and wrong and can culminate with a few episodes of beyond scared straight…you might even throw in a brief explanation of salad tossing for good measure…

be there when your kids go to bed /wake up…yeah it’s cool to show up with bikes and jordan’s for christmas and birthdays but there are certain things that can only be taught by an in home father figure like the best time to rub your rabbit and what to do with the remnants how to not post topless pics of themselves on the internet…

make sure your kids can spell every word in the songs they juke to at family gatherings…i admit, it’s really discouraging hilarious to watch kids sing songs that they shouldn’t possibly know the meaning of…but the very least you can do is make sure they can spell their own lyrics when they decide to drop out of middle school to embark on that career of selling cd’s out of the trunk of a buick regal…

show your daughters what real men do…you may not recognize it now, but your daughter’s entire psyche is being shaped by the way you treat her…if you don’t show her the attention she deserves she will get it from some john in a minivan on exit 13…some of the craziest relationship activity comes when you mix fatherless daughters and a–holes…as luck would have it you can do something about both of those…

let your son watch…if he doesn’t learn how to be a real man from you, he’s gonna learn it from gucci mane…needless to say, there will be a gap…

as i am still under the sizzler induced itis i’m sure i have forgotten some of these duties…now i can attempt to figure them out or i can do what i do best and just pass the buck on to you, our loyal readers…now let’s not pretend that i even considered the first option…

elrock…on your mark, get set, father…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

One Response to the daddy code…

  1. Pingback: whose your daddy… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

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