don’t be like that…

Don’t you hate it when you are at the gym on the treadmill watching your favorite videos from the early 2000s when some yahoo muscles over and changes the channel to ESPN? No? Ok for my sports afficiandos- what bout when the same happens in reverse? Or that grown @ss adult during the morning subway rush hour that decided we all need to hear the “Motivation” Remix in surround sound because he was too cheap to invest in noise cancelling headphones? And for my peops in driving cities- that guy that comes swerving around the corner to make his light, thus cutting you off…only to continue driving at snail’s pace directly in front of you in that single lane…hence causing you to catch every single red light on Wilshire Blvd for the next 8 miles…

As I write this post, it is from one of transportation’s most upscale of ghetto options- the Bolt Bus. For $20 I get a power outlet, wifi and a seat with legroom that coach class airline travellers would kill for. I haven’t been on a bus in about…15 yrs. As a self proclaimed transportation snob, there are a few things I just don’t do. That said, I didn’t feel like driving, flying is a big hassle when it’s only 250 miles and the train is the price of a plane ticket…which would bring me back to flying…

And so here I sit on this bus that is actually pretty crowded, but not full capacity. But between my mean mugging and overpacking, I was able to score seating with a plug and no random neighbors.  So imagine my surprise when I come back from our 15 minute break and realign my ipad, laptop, phone, Arizona ice tea, Ruffles potato chips, mobile hotspot (for when wifi is too slow) across my 2 seats that I get the polite jay-z arm tap to alert me from my noise cancelling super bass headphoned bliss….to ask me to move all of my stuff onto my lap…so he can sit next to me and use the outlet.

I did not hide my displeasure of plucking my 40 llb handbag that can fit exactly 3 small children on my lap with my laptop while balancing my ice tea. This fool asks me if I can put my bag on the floor. Anyone who has lived in the NY knows to NEVER put your bag onto a floor unless you don’t mind bringing roaches some creatures home with you. I explained this to him and he asked if I could put my bag overhead. Duh- there’s a wallet in there. Clearly he wasn’t from the hood New York. Finally, he arranges himself only to discover that the other outlet doesn’t work. And as I sit here on my clearly very illuminated laptop, he asks “So are you using that?” and points to my plug.

And so this long story tale got me to thinking. Did this guy not realize how annoying he was? Granted, being the seat hog in this scenario, I was fully aware of the risks. But after making it 50% of the ride down without incident, I had earned my space.  So I ask my fellow readers at UBF- do you know when you are being that guy? Just in case you need some more examples…

You ask people at the gym if you can ‘work in’ with them –  Look, unless your gym is the one at the bottom of your apartment building, there is no reason to stalk fellow gym partitioners at their machines. Instead of disrupting people’s workouts, why don’t you try a new tactic: Wait your turn @sshole. They won’t be at the machine forever.

There’s space everywhere…and yet you always find yourself Right Next to some one – It doesn’t matter how many empty seats there are on the subway car, how much standing room is available…you always manage to squeeze your ass next to somebody. And it’s great that you are a “people” person. But to the rest of us, you are invading our personal space. Move!

Speaking of subways, you like to hold the doors – You constantly find yourself squeezing between closing subway doors, running for the bus and making the driver stop, asking for directions at the toll booth or other areas where your stupidity stops traffic, standing in front of the turnstile instead of next to it while you figure out whether or not you forgot your metro card…There’s a word for that type of behavior. It’s called inconsiderate.

You got all your stuff spread out even though it’s crowded as hell…-Guilty as charged. I’m that chic. Until I absolutely have to move my ish, I try not to. Whether it’s a train, plane, conference room or booth at the club, the person who never travels light enough for you to feel comfortable enough to tell them to move their crap over. That same person likely squeezes into the middle seat on crowded trains and hogs the only available metal pole when it’s standing room only. They just seem not to give a damn so long as they are comfortable. Hate that! (but I understand where they are coming from though…)

You will eat anything anywhere – There should be a rule against eating things that come in loud bags, are overly crunchy or have smells in public areas. So unless it’s gum or edamame it should be against the  law.  Nobody wants to partake in your food situation unless they are at a restaurant. Unless you are starving to death, save the eating for a table or somewhere private. The biggest insult of random outlet man trying to sit next to me wasn’t forcing me to move my stuff. It was that this dude was sitting next to me digging into some fresh Roy Jr.’s onion rings. Oh hell to the no.

We can all hear you –  The loud talker or guy who’s entire cell phone conversation is at loudspeaker level, the newborn on the plane, the headphoneless iphone music maker, the freelance narrator at the movie theatre…whatever your poison is, if everyone can hear your music, your kid, your conversation or your situation, you are too effing loud.

Did I miss anything? Please- tell me your grievances. While out in public, what behaviors signify epic failures in being unannoying?

It’s my world and y’all just live in it – lolita


About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

2 Responses to don’t be like that…

  1. Andre says:

    The “adder-in” the conversation: You’ll be engaging in a very heartfelt (dang strikethrough doesn’t work! sex talking) conversation, and that guy drops in and says, “Hey, I remember a time when I went through the same thing!” Then, explains every detail during his symposium; thus stopping all momentum and ruining your (private dancer/sex everywhere) meaningful experience.

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