A tale of 3 cities: the New York state of mind…

When I first started writing the softer side of UBF, I jokingly teased onetrik about taking his stories to arguably the greatest city in the world, New York. His response was something about the weather in LA and how it makes his skin glisten the right way, the overdone video vixens  and faux ‘model chics’ beautiful women (because it doesn’t matter if it’s real or not so long as it’s not too obvious) and of course, the fact that he was one of the dudes who actually bought his whip instead of renting a Bentley for the weekend in order to procure said model chics. And if I can be honest with you, all of his reasonings seemed…well…(Insert BBM Yawny face).

As a proud ex-LA resident, I can attest that the weather is great. But since I am not homeless and don’t live outside, I’m not sure if that’s enough to carry the entire city into greatness. Because really, nothing compares to the coastest with the mostest. The Big East! And while my baby hails from the dirty South, it’s important to note: He don’t live there no more. In the tale of 3 cities, if New York is the wifey, LA is definitely the Side Chic. And no offense to elrock, but the South is probably more along the realm of the One Night Stand…

And so the moment we’ve all been waiting for.  Let’s forget about the fact that it’s the only city where you can get a decent bagel or non microwaved eggs on your sandwich in the morning. I’d prefer to focus on the less important reasons why my town is winning while yours is just a nice place to visit maybe.

Ok so maybe the women in LA are hotter –  And perhaps the ladies of the South have more class. But the men in LA make being too thin or too short an art form and the ones in the South spend a lil too much time at those waffle houses elrock mentioned. The first thing I notice after an extended trip away from my city boo?? The men. The muscles. The height. The variety.  I’m not a guy and I’m straight. I couldn’t care less about how pretty the girls in some other cities are. The men here are of every race, nationality, creed, height, muscle percentage…it’s like being a kid in the candy store. Why do you think it was Sex in the City and not Sex in the Bayou or Sex on the Beach? Because we got the hottest men in the world…and that’s why they ain’t gotta pay for play. POW!

In addition to being able to stay out all night because I won’t turn into a pumpkin at 2…- I can have a drink in my hand guilt free the entire time. Nothing says busted like driving down Sunset on a Saturday at 1:55am and getting popped by LAPD for being a wee bit on the drunkie side. This is the one place where it is perfectly acceptable…scrap that- encouraged to get completely plastered on our days off or whenever we feel like it and then hop in a cab or subway  to be safely shuttled home right when the sun is coming back up. In New York, you know why I drink? Because I can. Don’t be jealous, just be safe ;)

We have culture…- While LA boasts breasts implants, Real housewives of Beverly Hills and ‘surfer dudes’, the south talks about “vittals” (I had to google that…which means I can do without it…), mouth grills and pimped out rides, New York has a bit more class notable culture points. Broadway, MoMA, Jay-z, Harlem, Scores, 5th avenue, the Statue of Liberty, 34th street, Times Square, the men on Wall street, fashion houses…There’s something for everyone here and you don’t have to scour the weirdest corners of New York like you do in LA to find it.

Fresh Direct –  When’s the last time you went online, picked out everything from duck to tv dinners, clicked a button and the next day received the freshest groceries you have ever encountered in your life? What’s that? Yeah, I didn’t think so. I can order anything at any time without having to pick up a phone, get in my car or otherwise remove my @ss from my couch. In New York we have something. It’s called access. Everything is right at our fingertips, not a painful ride on the 405 away…

The Climate– Yes, it snows quite a bit in New York and  I know some bloggers try to make this out to be a bad thing. However, when is the last time you could tell your boss you were unable to leave your house because they didn’t plow in your neighborhood and then go back to sleep…3 days in a row. You can’t. The best thing about the East Coast is that God gave us Snow instead of oh…I dunno…earthquakes, mudslides, tornados and hurricanes? I’ll take it. You boys have fun with your catastrophic climate conditions though…

We got Money – I can understand why Some people feel so blessed to be on the West coast or the South. With so many struggling actors, posers, or just people who don’t mind hanging on the farm with some mint julips all day, anyone with a decent salary must feel pretty special. However, in NY, money isn’t such a novelty. We aren’t the cool kids just because we can afford that Beemer and a nice house. Which is why we typically aren’t so arrogant about it cough cough…well until today….We aren’t special for droppin our silver and black amex cards on the table during a dinner that cost 2 grand. We don’t rent nice cars or opulent houses on the weekends unless it’s in the Hampton’s just to look like ballers. Because we don’t have to. That’s our life. Everyone here is a hustler. We work hard, we play hard, and we don’t have to lie to kick it. Shots returned- We wear bullet proof vests round here.

Get your mind right…



About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

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