the tri-coastal battle: why the south does it better…

as i touched down in the a following a week long stint out west, my ipod, as if on cue, decided to tickle my ear drums with a little outkast…and i do mean the original combined version that gave us player’s ball and elevators…being one of the dirty south’s native sons (little rock stand up…and then hit the ground because somebody’s probably about to start shooting) this brought a bit of pride to my heart…at about the same time that the 95 degree temperature brought some unearned perspiration to my brow…

with this pride skipping through my ever so delicate heart, i couldn’t help but sit down and pen an ode to the region that held me down through my youth and then again for the past 2 years…with that said, here are a few things that keep the 3rd coast on top…

we’re not bound by your simple laws of geography…yes we know there is no ocean that borders us, yet we still call it the third coast…deal wit it…

– the vittles…granted, the ingredients we use are a veritable who’s who of life threatening illness seeds, but the end product always puts you into a temporary heavenly coma…add that to the fact that we serve it to you in places like the waffle house (also known as the quarter way house…for people who were too “rough around the edges” for a full halfway house release)…

– that crunk juice…when you other coast want to get your parties started, 11 times out of 10, your dj is reaching in the digital crates for something from down here with some poorly scribed yet extremely catchy hook…yes, our marginal grasp of proper english sometimes leaves us lacking in lyrical content…however, i assure you, at least 2 of your top 5 favorite lyricist are my neighbors…and while you may perspire a little bit at some point during your east coast parties (west coast parties shut down at least an hour before the dancing arrives) down here, we juke until the club sweats…

– that southern swag-chivalry mix…although it’s called the dirty, we keep our whips and our clothes so fresh and so clean (polos…we been had that)…and sure, other regions have dudes that will try to get at you…but down here, it’s an art…almost poetic…self esteem problems don’t exist down here because the game spitters can always find something to say to make a lady feel special…with yo cute little yellow tooth…and the swag is distributed equally…so you are just as likely to get hit on by a well tailored lawyer as a grime fingered car mechanic…well that might be a little skewed since everybody down here knows how to fix a car as long as there’s a big tree standing over it…

– you can actually buy a house down here…one that doesn’t require you to vote someone out of the family…

– the heat…ya’ll wear beaters (i am certain there is a commercial name for these, but this is the one that is most widely recognized) because it’s cute and fashionable, we do it to keep our chests from melting…most people don’t know it, but the rise of the atlanta gentlemen’s club was started by a group of young secretaries in 1967 who decided it was too hot to keep wearing clothes to work…this group eventually became known as the original magic city dancers…now make it rain trick…

– interesting mouth-ware…we run a completely dentist optional society down here…but who needs dentist when you have paul wall to cover your cavities with carats…from ice grills to picket chiclets, anytime we open our mouths there’s bound to be a surprise…

 – all your people are from here and your favorite relatives still live here…so we’ll see you at the family reunion…

of course this all excludes atlanta (especially the transplants)…because pimp c told us to…all my fellow southerners, i know you’ve got my back on this…what did i miss…

onetrik, lolita, la, new york…where you at…represent your coast…

oh…i made that magic city part up…aren’t you glad you read all the way to the end…

elrock…i said my piece and then i hush…as the cadillac keeps dippin…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

4 Responses to the tri-coastal battle: why the south does it better…

  1. morningjoi says:

    I will rep the South forever-eva forever-eva!!! Favorite co-signs:

    + we juke until the club sweats… [Just proved this again on Saturday with my fellow Southern transplants. We just can’t hear Luke/2 Live Crew and ignore that joint!]

    +self esteem problems don’t exist down here because the game spitters can always find something to say to make a lady feel special [Truth, although there are moments when I have wished otherwise.]

    + you can buy a house down here [Sigh…for realz.]

  2. TT says:

    The westside is the bestside!!

    That’s all I got….

  3. Niki B. says:

    you forgot, We, (your southern ladies) all cook down here. and get in with one them brothers from the state of LA, not L.A., and he’ll cook you up some good food too.

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