when you know you know…

“How did you know he/she was the one?” It’s a question that comes up every time anyone gets engaged. And the inevitable answer? “When you know, you know.”  (I’m waiting to hear Ms. Kardashian soon to be Humphries repeat this very phrase in her next interview…so I can sue her for…something.) What does that mean? Are we to believe that in the land of a 50% divorce success rate (and growing) that people really just magically fall into the perfect person and immediately recognize it? That one day you will be cruising down 5th avenue and see your future boonopolis in happily never after across the street and just know?

Or then there is the “He is different from any other man I’ve ever known.” This one always sounded the most ridiculous to me because…well…not to make an overarching statement…but… well, yeah I’ll go ahead and generalize for kicks…Most men are more alike than different.  (Most like football, food, sex and have night sticks with a matching set of cue balls. Size differential negotiable.)

And my personal favorite, “I had never felt this way about anyone before.” Well I certainly would hope not, otherwise you would be marrying that guy and not this one. But I digress. Since I’ve heard both Jennifer Lopez and Kate Hudson say something similar about all those other guys before these current ones, I’m going to call Jedi Mind Trick on this one. At least for the ladies. Some of us have a hard time differentiating between the greatness of sexual partners loves.

In true UBF form, my initial idea was to write about how to know that your significant  other is the one. But, like Google Search, I’m feeling lucky so I’ll take the opposite side of the road. Without further ado, a few more signs that your husband in training will never graduate out of those marriage training panties.

He hasn’t updated his facebook – My general rule is: If it’s not on facebook, the relationship doesn’t exist. As silly as this sounds…and it is…there is a point to this rule that I really do live by in spite of it’s obvious ridiculousness. Everyone and their mama is on facebook. And sure, maybe he finds updating his status on facebook juvenile. But if he doesn’t care who knows about it, why can’t he just appease you? He has his email address, his favorite pages and photos of him in boxers on the beach. Pictures of his mom, his friends and his linked in address. But the relationship status is off limits? Really? What’s he hiding?

He doesn’t take phone calls in front of you – at some point in your relationship, you should graduate from 100% undivided attention to normal interaction. And during normal interaction, phones ring. So if he’s not picking it up anytime he’s with you, again, we ask…what is he hiding?

He doesn’t call after sexy times – This doesn’t just apply to first time interactions. If someone is into you the way they say, you should always hear from them the next day. Even after years of togetherness. Not because it’s an obligation, but because the person wants to.

His family has never heard of you – If you have been in the picture for a while and haven’t even heard him mention his Mom, you probably never will. If after a year you have still never even been casually introduced to key family members, that’s a sure sign that you aren’t going to be one of them any time soon.

He always hangs out with his friends without you – Boys night is one thing. Boys night with the boys you never met or spend time with is another. Simply put, he has two lives. Only one of them has you in it. That’s not subject to change.

He’s only available during certain times/days of the week – This is easy- you are girlfriend number 2. or 3. Or more. And if you aren’t part of an already long list, you are still in an unenviable position: Not a Priority.

What about the UBF Readers. When did you know? And more importantly, When did you know not?

I know when I know…



About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

2 Responses to when you know you know…

  1. Soumynona says:

    I am guilty of the whole family thing. But I never really know when is the right time to present my “family” self to the lady friendlies…

    (“lightbulb”:potential post idea for UBF – your readership is far more expansive than mine and this could be some good quality info…or at least extremely funny).

    I mean, on occassion, some of the female crewmembers might see an uncle or brother of mine (which always leads to the ladies receiving excessive hollerage….that’s just what we do) But when is a good time to say, “Hey, my mom is cooking on memorial day, do you care to join me?” –

    • Lolita says:

      This is a good question. I definitely think that the actual introduction usually doesn’t nor should it happen before things get more serious. And when I say more serious, I’m thinking- you plan on having her at family gatherings. Doesn’t mean marriage, but if you guys are going to be divy-ing up holidays in the near future…or you are even considering it sometime in the next 6 months, an intro to mom might be in order. That said, if mom doesn’t even know she exists???? Or she is getting her confused with “that other girl from last month/week/yesterday” wellll….bad sign all the way. An intro to my parents means this: I take this person seriously. I have no idea where it is going, but I trust them enough to have them in your sovereign presence. But yeah- maybe a blog on this is in order? When do dudes get to experience the iron grip handshake of Mr. Lolita…

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