I think I want to marry you…

By now you have no doubt heard the news that Kris Humphries has taken one for the team and offered up his free to smash lifestyle as a professional athlete in exchange for the championship inducing cakes of one Kim Kardashian. Congrats to your 2012 NBA Champion Brooklyn…err…New Jersey Nets…

After a whopping six months of front row seat loss viewing, paparazzi dodging and endless vacationing, the couple is now engaged and headed to be joined in happily until-you-bore-me-to-death matrimony…moment of silence for those of you still holding on to your ‘Kim K’s boo’ raffle tickets. Now I’m not here to say they won’t work out long term, but I wouldn’t run out and buy those new Humphries-Kardashian Nets’ jerseys (however you may want to store his name away as it will probably resurface as a double jeopardy clue in about 5-7 years). I’m also not going to touch on the whole you can’t turn a morally loose jezebel into an upstanding housewife not found on VH1…as I’m sure more righteous bloggers will beat the weave off of that horse…

However, their rather quick transition from strangers to fiancés led me to wonder what would cause me to lose my mind and recognize ‘miss right now’ was actually worthy of losing the ‘now’ before a season of American Idol crowns a champion…

The following pretty much covers all instances of what would have me upgrading a boonopolis from Carrots Jared to Carats Jared:

+ Well for starters if it was Kim Kardashian…not sure why it took him 6 months to figure out he needed to get that amazingly photoshopped woman off the market. Had it been me, the first date would have been the proposal and the second would have been with all of our family at the chapel. The third would have featured a lot of consummation…

+ My birthday has passed…I’m able to see how she handles the most important day of the year and gauge her gift giving ability to determine if this is how I would like to spend my born days forever ever or until I stop having them which ever comes first…

+ Any woman that is comfortable consistently pooting in front of me…assuming I like her enough to put up with her booty breath, reaching that level of the relationship speaks volumes to her potential to replace mama dukes name on all those insurance forms…

+ She’s done something drastic with her hair…experience tells me that this is going to happen down the line so I’d like to see how fast it goes back to how I originally liked it before cashing out. Bald headed wives might don’t make it…just reference Amber Roses’ left hand…

+ I’ve passed the Terminator test…all men are put through the faithful quiz and if I choose to not go the way of the Arnold when we just go-together (remember the easy days) then I’ll probably be able to handle the future temptations when I’m at risk of having to add her as a hefty line item in the monthly budget…

+ We’ve experienced each other turnt up…she should know that I’m an overconfident/arrogant  drunk and also be ok with it. Similarly I’d like to be aware of her habit of drunkenly pissing everywhere before I put my knee down…

+ The families have met and are copasetic…while I haven’t seen Jumping the Broom (I only support black movies featuring Madea), I’m pretty sure that situation covered in the previews where the families don’t get along is less than ideal. Outside of spades, families shouldn’t fight…

With all of that out of the way, it is easy to see that I won’t be making any rushed marriage proposals. What about the ubf fam? Could you see yourself making that call so quickly?

onetrik…it’s a marathon not a sprint and not everyone finishes…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

10 Responses to I think I want to marry you…

  1. Sami says:

    I had to comment, solely because I lit’rally laughed out loud at “Outside of spades, families shouldn’t fight…” Haha. No truer words have ever been spoken (blogged??).

    Anyway, to answer the question: Nah, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t get engaged in that short of an amount of time. I guess tho’ actual calendar time really isn’t of the most relevance, but more so how much time you spend being actively involved with each other. I can’t call it for anyone else, but for me to be ready & willing to be solely devoted & committed to someone takes more time & effort than I think can be successfully crammed into half a year. An engagement/ marriage is something that mos definitely should never be rushed into.

    • glad we got some outward laughter on that one…that makes us smile on the inside…

      100% agree that is is all about time spent together in active involvement which I read as relations…

      • Sami says:

        haha I didn’t mean it quite that way. Actively involved does include honing in on intimacy tho so… *ellipsis indicates one should draw their own conclusions*

        And I forgot to mention before: Carrots Jared to Carats Jared? Another gem!

  2. Andre says:

    I agree with e’rything @Sami says and would add one addmendment…
    Statement: “An engagment/marriage is something that mos definitely should never be rushed into”
    …Unless you can come on the up-and-up from it. (E.g., Ashton Kutcher, Nick Cannon, Hef’s former 3 playboy chicks, Anna Nicole).

    (Andre cues the D.J. as the record starts to play):
    “She gives me money, when I’m in nee—-e-eed, ”

    On the real, I wish them well, but my over/under on that relationship is less than 8 months because once you have a sex tape- that changes the game. She’ll always be “sex tape” not wifey material. Example, sure? Superhead…
    #IJS

    • not only do we support the come up but we are actively looking for it…let Stacey Dash walk into a room I’m in and it will be game over…either a marriage or restraining order…

  3. Niki B. says:

    6 months is plenty of time…it doesn’t take all day to recognize sunshine.

  4. Soumynona says:

    Marriage or restraining order! HaHAhaHAHAHAha – I’ve never seen two documents so diametrically opposed, used and explicated to form such a beautiful union – there is nothing sweeter than being forever connected to Stacey Dash.

    • real talk…she is the reason I watched two hours of muted tv also known as vh1’s single ladies…sad thing is I ran into her in my early LA days and didn’t take advantage of it assuming it was normal…biggest mistake of my life. ever.

  5. Alan says:

    Waste of time waste of money, except for the couple who made around 18 million, I know I wont be marrying anyone on a whim! Unless I make millions lol.

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