pretty girl blues…

not long ago onetrik outlined the reasons why the fly-est of the female persuasion seem to receive all the perks while putting in little to none of the work (yeah, i’m something like a poet)…i’m sure that post sent pretty girls everywhere off into frenzied jubilatory spending sprees that consisted mostly of shiny mac lip gloss and church window sized mirrors…

but this, of course, begged the question…why aren’t all these dimes wifed up…(brief sidenote…for the purposes of this post dimes will include 8.8’s and above as judged on appearance alone by anyone other than the subject or the subject’s inner circle…) and more importantly, why are some of the wifed up dimeys still getting traded in for 6 or 7 cent pieces…now i could try to come up with one reason to sum it all up, but one thoroughly summed up reason makes a pretty whack list…so instead, i opted for the more common, ubf approved, multi-piece explanation…drum roll please…

they try too hard to be perfect…i once heard one of these chicks say that they had never pooted around their man and had never dropped deuce with them in the apartment…i, like most people, despise the smell of freshly dispersed booty soup, however, i find it hard to trust a person until i know for sure that their bowels do shift on at least a semi-regular basis…

stingy with the compliments…similar to the an old wealthy miser, they go through life collecting  these verbal pleasantries and then keep them locked up inside like they helicopter we left over in pakistan last week…one of the easiest ways to misplace your man is to consistently be the only one in the room that didn’t notice how nice his tie was…the 5’s and 6’s might actually have a leg up on this one because they probably bought it for him…

poor bedside manner…two of the worst serta swims i’ve ever participated in were with two of the most attractive chicks that i know (don’t worry, they’re both too conceited to ever think this part is about them)…oddly, in both of these bore boinks there came a point when i was asked to provide praises that had not been earned…now my guess is, past partners had been so enamored with  the idea of bedding them that they probably didn’t realize how little effort was being exerted on the other end…well i did…it was like hunching a warm barber’s towel…since i’m such a nice guy, i went ahead and told them they were the best then asked god to forgive me for lying… the other forgiveness request is already repeating on god’s ipod…

one trick ponies…a lot of those with the prettiest faces seem to either come up short in additional attributes or long in additional personality flaws… not all, but a lot of them are either meaner than underpaid circus elephants (and no…i don’t know what a fair elephant wage is these days) or shallower than project kiddie pools in late autumn…they usually have the best “this guy tried to holler at me” stories but the delivery generally leaves you reaching for your red bull…fellows, if you don’t believe me try this…the next time you’re out with someone who falls on the far right of the scale, close your eyes and see if their story sounds nearly as interesting as the “i’m staring at your beautiful face” version…but set your alarm if you want to wake up before the check comes…

for these reasons i’ve decided to dedicate my summer to providing the guidance necessary to correct all of the ills above…but especially number 3…i’ll post the sign up sheet on the coffee-room message board…

ubf f’s…am i wrong here…talk to me…but if you’re a dime, i’d prefer you tell me in person…i’m still a ill intentioned pig of a man after all…

elrock…dimey camp counselor…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

5 Responses to pretty girl blues…

  1. You forgot one: many of them often have deep rooted insecurity issues. I know one such female who night can literally be destroyed if she walks into an establishment and multiple men do not try and talk to her! Her whole live and self-worthy seems to be measured by how many men hit on her. Can we say insecure much?

    • ahh yes…we definitely feed the beast so to speak…if onetrik is there she can rest assured she’ll at least get hollered at twice…once when he’s sobber and again after a few sips…

  2. i think most of us like women like that…i can’t even speak on whether or not i think a woman is attractive until i’ve seen her sans makeup…one of the things i really look for in a woman is confidence and it’s really hard to say you have it, if you’re afraid to show the world your real face…and height…and cup size…and eyelash length…i could go on but i’m in the middle of cooking my 2pm breakfast…

  3. Soumynona says:

    They’re both too conceited – interpretted to mean that they are both, two… which means you slayed mated with twins? It’s always what’s Not being said that’s so cool about this blog
    (sigh)

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