op-ed…

***** please allow us to interrupt the usual tomfoolery for a rebuttal piece to a previous post from one of the homiettes*****

Dear Lolita,

The other day, I believe you led some of us astray in your description of the “Inflated Man Syndrome.”  I agree with you that this phenomenon does exist.  However, I think it’s known in other circles as something called “Damn Good Intuition.” I hate to poke into other people’s business (weeelll… actually, if you know me, this ain’t true at all), but if I don’t correct you, many of these readers will be out here thinking that their relationship is safe and that their man is off limits to the general public.  The truth is that while you may think you don’t want my man, there are gaggles of respectable women  (and swamp donkeys) who do.

I appreciate that you find it despicable to covet someone else’s man.  I think this is especially true if that someone’s man is actually her husband, but that’s for another day.  I think a lot of people would agree with you and never expect to find themselves in that situation.  Until they are in it.  

There are a lot of things that REALLY are despicable to me, and just downright cramp my style.  I swear by the fact that I would NEVER do these things. However, no matter how hard I try to avoid these situations, they inevitably end up happening to me.

For example, I find it highly inappropriate to poo at work.  I mean, for God’s sake, other people have to use that restroom, and ours is not ventilated.  There are also only six of us in our office – it’s hard to maintain anonymity.  I try to go every morning before work to avoid having to go at work.  However, it’s unavoidable – at some point around mid-day, that Fiber One bar settles in and the thing that once seemed morally beneath me now seems like a rosy alternative to shitting my pants.

I also find it appalling to let myself go and plump up every winter, Pillsbury doughboy style.  I intend on getting skinny.  However, things beyond my control, like God, genetics, and the damn good scientists behind the ingredients in Breyer’s ice cream make my best-laid plans little more than good intentions.

Even for those of us who respect the boundaries of “dibs,” there are still those deceptive women who don’t care that your man is taken.  Besides the fact that he looks delicious after I sprinkle my Forty Water on him, commitment is a color that looks good on every man.  I once had a mutual friend snuggle up to my legally endorsed boo on MY couch and put her hand on his chest.  In front of me.  Whoa, whoa, whoa!  Cue the Chicago House music – there was almost a showdown in my living room.  That just goes to show – if a ring isn’t stopping these chicks from crossing the line, your staredown isn’t going to work either.

It’s ironic that you find it arrogant that many of us think you, or other women, want our men.  I actually think it’s arrogant that you think you’ve already had all the ones worth sampling. Yikes!  For your own sake, and that of your womanly health, I hope this isn’t true! That would be so time consuming.  It would be more like an occupation and less like a pastime, and I’d hate for you to waste your degree like that. In reality, no, you have not had all of our handsome men.  You may have had some, and you may have turned some of them down.  Just because he’s not right for you doesn’t mean he’s whack.  In addition, some of our men have brains…we need to consider the possibility that maybe he just chose me instead of you.

My man sure is sloppy seconds.  On second thought, he is probably more like sloppy sixteenths. Our national social circle is so small, you may have unknowingly even French kissed me in the mouth.  Minus the six of us that are virgins, the rest of us are surely someone’s leftovers (you like how I say ‘us” so that you think I’m included and I gain some moral ground?).  And as biblically solid as it may be, I will gladly take your sloppy seconds as to avoid the 40-year old virgin.

After reading your blog, I *almost * got offended.  However, I realized that you were only addressing women who “dress up their monkeys,” which my man is most definitely not. He has intellect and opinions and preferences, which don’t include dating you.  So it’s safe for me to assume that you weren’t talking about mine.  However, even if you don’t want him, I KNOW there are women who do.  Women who don’t care if he is taken.  He may not be perfect in every way, but he’s pretty darn fantastic to me. I know my man is handsome.  I know women look at him when we are out.  Sometimes, for entertainment purposes, I stare these bitches down (however, I’ve eased up on this, mainly because I don’t fight).  Sometimes, I am just looking at them because they are pretty and I am intrigued.  Sometimes I am looking at them because they’re ugly, and I’m intrigued.  Sometimes, it may look like my face is screwed up, but really, it’s the gas (we just came from Coldstone, and you know how we do with dairy).

So, Lolita, thank you for your opinion, but I so sincerely hope that this misinformation can be stopped before it spreads too far. Ladies (and gentlemen – it is 2011) – beware!  She does want your man, and there is nothing wrong with you noticing.  The real problem if he wants to wander that badly, there is nothing, no matter how mean that mug is, that you can do to stop him.

Sincerely,

Su Hermana

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

6 Responses to op-ed…

  1. Soumynona says:

    When I first read the name “Su hermana” I thought, WoW, ubf even has an asian following but my hs spanish class put me back on track, lmao. This is a bit tough, perhaps a bit too serious for what I like about UBF. I understand your position but when WE (me and my boo…for the month) read Lolita’s post in question, we thought nothing of it other than a chance for Lolita to vent after an interesting encounter. I think sometimes women do assume that the wrong person is after her man, btw since when did men become property? Lolita’s stance is a very powerful one to have. I would urge all women to take that stance bc the number of available men is decreasing tremendously thanks to the expansion of prisons and the reduction of jobs only requiring a g.e.d. Which means, creeps like me are lurking and we don’t wear the word “creep” on our hats. Some of my best friends are women and I explain to them a few of the games we men play…but sometimes I do that only to create a diversion from the game I was going to spit at them after a few drinks. I agree tho, that once a guy makes up his mind, he’s already left the building. Perhaps you and Lolita have more in common than perhaps meets the ‘virtual’ eye. If you all were to find a common ground and combine your voices, I think it could benefit the depth and quality of posts here at UBF. At any rate, I think dialogue is healthy. You asians need to stick together (Su and Lo)… For the record, I am truly just a fan of the site, I don’t really know the writers personally, so I’m not trying to stick up for anyone. I think you are a fancy writer as well and I hope to read from you soon. #mlkwasmyGranddadday!

  2. Lookin4Treble says:

    Wow, “Su Hermana”

    I don’t know who’s sister you are but my goodness!

    What a scathing response to an otherwise playful, tongue-in-cheek blog. Here’s a tip. If you’re mad at the man stealer who took your “sloppy sixteens” problem, take it up with her personally rather than attacking a harmless comedic blog writer. Get a grip.

    Lookin4Treble

  3. call us crazy but we were thinking the best way to solve this debate would be with an inflatable pool, copious amounts of jello, limited articles of clothing and a strong ustream link…any one disagree?

  4. Soumynona says:

    On the phone with Bill Cosby now…for the jello of course

  5. Andre says:

    Wowza… I must agree with my comrad…the only way to solve this is to ustream this altercation, first with a debate that ends up in an inflatable pool! #winning4men!

  6. Lookin4Treble says:

    HA!! Ya’ll are too funny!

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