you wonder why they call you bitch…

One of my twitter friends (on my other twitter page) posted the following comment: “No female wants to be called a bitch, but once you put “bad” in front of it, these girls feel honored.” As a minority woman with a position of pseudo power in business, I’m very used to being called a ‘Bitch’. I’m never honored by it. But I’m never dishonored either.

I’ve been called the infamous ‘B’ word since I was about 15. Pretty much as soon as I discovered my big mouth and decided to start using it regularly, trickles of expletive adjectives became the norm when discussing me. Now I joke around and say I have a big mouth. But honestly? If you cut my hair, chopped off my breasts, gave me a penis and some facial hair…well my mouth wouldn’t seem so big. My opinions wouldn’t be so polarizing.

And let’s face it. Nobody  would think I was such a bitch. I can even use this blog as an example. The snarky comments of Onetrik & Elrock are seen as entertaining debate. With me, it’s assumed I’m arguing. Why? Well I’m a female, so of course I must be mad, right? Even when I say I’m not- I’m not allowed to express my opinion without the assumption that there is some hidden emotion behind it. But the truth? Like many men in business, I sometimes argue a point for the sake of arguing it. Yes- I, lolita WITHOUT the hidden set of balls enjoys debate for the sake of challenge and not emotion. I like to win- what can I say? But I digress.

It’s hard being a strong woman. In work, in life, in friendships, in relationships…the same behaviors applauded in male interactions are often seen as alienating in women. And in business, when I tell an older white haired, white skinned man “No” and he mumbles ‘bitch’ while I walk away, no- I’m not amused. But I don’t waste time being offended either. I realize that to whom much is given, much is expected. But it doesn’t come without it’s burdens.

My mother is a housewife. She married young and is the consummate ‘Wify’. She raised me to be the complete opposite. Her most notable quote, “Don’t be like me.” And I realize she didn’t tell me this because of her own regrets. She told me this because she recognized my personality early on. She knew I was my father’s child. And short of being born a man, my only choice was to be different.

So yes- when a man acts like a fool, I will call him out. And when I need to assert myself at work, I do. Professionally. But with strength. When a friend does me dirty, I will confront the situation like a mature adult. And when my QB is forcing me to wear the pants, hell to the yes, I will let him know that I am not feeling it. Being this person is a double edged sword. While people call it admirable, in real life, it’s always made everything so much more difficult.

But on the flipside- the same characteristics that might make me intimidating also can be quite beneficial. When you see me driving down the streets of New York City, bumpin to bass in my whip while everyone else takes the subway, rocking my red bottoms because I like them and not because I have anything to prove, sitting on some beach somewhere in a barely there string bikini and last, but not least, buying the overpriced New York night life table for all my homies and toasting to the night…well. You will know it’s not all bad.

It may have been easier to be like everyone else. But I can’t be that when it’s not the real me.

So with that, I will leave you with one of my favorite poets to quote…Mr. Robert Frost:

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

It ain’t easy but somebody’s gotta do it. Still, being THAT bitch lolita has some perks…I’ll be that.


About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

3 Responses to you wonder why they call you bitch…

  1. t says:

    –I agree with your observation that where men are concerned, assertiveness, as a trait, is applauded when displayed, and discouraged (or punished) where women are concerned.

    –I also agree that, overall, the male style of communication is privileged over the female style of communication.

    –More important, I applaud the fact that when it comes to being a smart, articulate, and assertive woman, you are unapologetic about it. And that’s good.


    Being witty and sarcastic is an art—one very difficult for anyone to pull off, regardless of gender.

    That being said, I (personally) don’t think your assertiveness is the issue. There are tons of blogs around the web authored by assertive female voices like yours and they are just as, if not more popular, than many of the male-authored blogs out there. In addition, there are many female bloggers who are witty and sarcastic and they do just fine. It could be that you haven’t yet mastered the art (being witty or sarcastic without alienating your audience), or, you haven’t found your niche audience yet. Whatever the case, don’t make the mistake in believing that people who don’t like your style, don’t like it because they don’t like or can’t handle assertive women (because oftentimes, that’s not the case).

    Either way, it’s good to have a female voice on this blog, so keep doing your thing Lolita…


    • all this talk of assertiveness and such leads me to one question…where is my dinner…

      i kid because i’m hungry…

    • Lolita says:

      First and foremost, thank you for the kind words. I think all bloggers get some flack for what they write- nature of the beast so no surprise there. Everyone ain’t gonna like what you have to say or how you say it- period. My significant other calls me a “spark plug”. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad, but it’s always me. I prefer to inspire thought than blind acceptance- i love a good debate. I don’t love when people take it too seriously, as this isn’t a “serious” blog 98% of the time, but it is what it is. One has to expect some people to take everything seriously. All feedback is great feedback in my opinion. It means people are thinking.
      This blog entry was inspired by a female friend- SVP of a 6 billion dollar company and she had the occasion to tell a client “NO!” after he suggested she do something unethical and a breach of confidentiality. She was later dubbed by the client and his employees as “The Bitch”. We got to talking- how would this have played out if she was a man? Donald Trump is a known blowhard, but he really does get away with it, doesn’t he- which is crazy. In business, women have to tow lines that men don’t often have to consider. Some are great at it while others are less successful, but the fact is- they end up having to do it. We wondered- how does this translate into life outside the office…and hence the blog lol. Condolizza rice was excellent at being a powerful, assertive woman. Hilary Clinton…not so much. Elizabeth taylor- genius at it. It takes finesse. I 100% agree with that.

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