dumpster diving…

It’s come to my attention whilst out there in the unmarried streets that there is a little known phenomenon amongst the fairer sex that I like to call “Inflated Man Syndrome”. What is this malady, you ask? I’ll explain.

The other day I was minding my business walking to the water fountain at the gym when a tall, attractive man passed by me. In order to avoid bumping into him, I said ‘excuse me’ and we exchanged polite smiles. Five seconds later, I have the uncanny feeling of eyes boring into the back of my neck. I turn around and there it is. Queue possessive girlfriend. The look on her face says “He’s taken bizitch!” as she twists her neck, rolls her eyes and pokes her bottom lip out at me. But here’s the rub. Her man, while attractive, was clearly not playing for our team. The fact that she couldn’t tell he was gay is not my problem. I knew. And hence, I wasn’t even considering him.

The truth is, if a man has a girlfriend or is otherwise involved that disqualifies him in my book. I’ve never been the man-snatching type. I find it it to be a huge character flaw and generally despicable. That said, if I had a nickle for every time some chic- ranging from friend to foe, acquaintance to complete stranger, has thought I was interested in her sub par, sorry excuse for a man, i could perhaps afford an entire gallon of New York City gas.

You see, just because you want him doesn’t mean I do. But unfortunately, every woman in a relationship seems to think otherwise. It’s the delusional idea that just because you spend your nights making unsexy time with him, everyone else wants to be just as unsatisfied misguided. Well I’m here to give you all the reasons why you may want to rethink that bizarre notion, in first person.

If you dress up a monkey, it’s still a monkey – I will once again reference one of my favorite movies,The Best Man. Does anyone else remember how possessive Shelby was over Murch? But an even better example: Often, defending the honor of your man makes you look like one of those chics on Flavor of Love. It’s laughable. Just because you love and adore your pet monkey every night…well you get the point.

Been there, done that, have the t-shirt – So maybe your man is more the Morris Chestnut type. Well, touché ! You might have every right to hold on tight. But good news- there’s no need. I’ve already been to the mountaintop, honey. I don’t need a full time membership, the guest pass was sufficient. But you have fun with that- I know I did!

Already turned down that offer – Nine times out of ten, a man’s female friends are girls that were at some point in the running for after dark games. So if I haven’t already tapped that, it means I didn’t want to. If this were Uno, I passed and you ended up with the last card. Give yourself a round of applause, you won…or maybe I just fixed the game…either way, he’s all yours!

You got yours and I got mine – Why would I even consider your man when mine’s so much better? At the end of the day, sometimes the women that are most ‘threatening’ to your relationship are taken. So relax. She’s not even focused on him. Why would you settle for salad when you can have steak?

Only homeless people dumpster dive – The arrogance that women assume that other women are sniffing after their sloppy seconds always gives me a good chuckle. It’s not that it never happens, clearly Angelina Jolie, Gabrielle Union and Leann Rimes are perfect examples of it’s prevalence. But it’s often female friends that are most leery of their more attractive homettes horning in on their space. Well ladies- rest easy. It takes a real special woman to want to swap spit and other things with your man after your regular exchanges. And when I say special, I mean Scandalous/Disgusto. The only word that comes to mind is Ew.  Some men are disqualified just because he dated YOU. Ya, I said it.  I have told men I wouldn’t touch them with a ten foot poll or let them touch me with theirs because I already knew where they had been. You might be one of those forbidden places, my friend. Even if he was worth the trouble, imagining you scoring countless gold medals at his Banana Olympic games effectively kills the buzz. Murders it, actually. Yuck.

So in conclusion, stop playing yourself. Nobody wants your man. Really. He’s probably not that cute, but even if he is somewhat attractive, he’s most likely lacking…elsewhere.  I know the powers that be (and UBF’s prior postings) would lead you to believe that we are all lying in wait, but no. We aren’t. He’s not that great. You can have him.

Everybody hold on to your man, lolita just walked in…


About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: