why you’ll never know how we really feel…

several three of our readers have recently asked us to take on the topic of male emotions…or the lack there of…after searching through 3 different dictionaries and having the concept explained to me by my outback steakhouse waitress nancy,  i believe i am ready to take on this daunting task…

the common misconception is that we go through our lives attempting to usain bolt away from any exchange that forces us to admit that we’ve ever even met our emotions…kinda like that 4 you “accidentally” bumped no-nos with during spring break that one year…the reality is, we are usually pretty clear about how we feel, but for some reason there is a disconnect between you ladies and this clarity…

well today i will attempt to clear up any misconceptions about males and these matters of the heart…your inability to figure out what we are feeling is most likely linked to 1 of 3 well researched reasons…

you can’t handle the truth…just imagine how you would feel if your husband/boyfriend/guy you’re letting paint your insides showed up one day and confirmed that everything you were self conscious about were indeed things that he notices and is disappointed in quite often…or that you’re not really the type of chick he thought he would end up with but you’ll do…or any of the other myriad of things that we would never be able to take back…my guess is you would high five his face, kick him in his baby stash and run off wetting up the hallways with your salty face water…said more succinctly, your emotions are often the plug to our emotional leak…knowing how you would probably react to hearing how we really feel is often enough for us to keep those feelings stored safely in the attic…

we handle them differently…i’m sure any man can confirm that if he was dating someone that he actually cared about and that relationship all of a sudden ended because he got caught bobbing for cookies with the wrong head…in the wrong jar he would indeed feel some kinda way about it…in the most extreme cases you may receive 13 voicemails or 4 pages of handwritten sorrow or maybe even a directed tweet or 2…but in most cases you will receive what shonuff requested…siiileeence…this is not because we aren’t missing you or thinking about what we had…it’s because while you and your friends were sitting around dissecting the situation and deciding what you should say to us the next time we speak, me and my friends are playing madden, restocking the iphone at club such and such or drowning our sorrows in courvoisier and glittery baby oil while we’re telling  our lap technician diamond everything that we would’ve told you had we decided to stay at home tonight and sulk like you did…so yes we miss you but if we know we’re not trying to get back together, what’s the point of telling you…in our minds, there isn’t one…

there’s absolutely nothing to tell…yes we heard and comprehended everything you just said…we just didn’t care…we know this is the 3rd time the johnsons stood us up for dinner…we did see that ellen has that express blouse on that you also own…we did hear that teresa is dating the dude that you once liked even though he never liked you…we heard all of this and had absolutely no emotional response…which is a completely plausible outcome in our world…even if placed in situations where the scenarios above happened to us, our response would contain the same level of “i don’t give a ish”ness…

please feel free to leave behind any questions or arguments to the contrary…

elrock…emotions are like emoticons on real people’s faces…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

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