facebook…a powerful tool…

I’m lucky to have good homiettes with not so good dating experiences. Otherwise I’d be forced to handout disclaimers on all the dates I go on stating that anything that happens can and will be blogged about in a humorous to negative light which kind of ruins the chances of coitus related fun. But enough about me and my weekends, back to the homiette.

One of them met a gentleman who checked off her requirements for exchanging her actual phone number. As any man in 2011 would do, he hit her with a text to which she responded. This is where the story turns for worse and his lack of careful positioning became obvious.

Guy: Are you on Facebook?

Homiette: Yes I am.

Guy: There are a lot of people with your first name on here. I couldn’t find you.

Homiette: Why would you want to add someone without knowing their last name?

We’ll stop there as the conversation lead down a path that found the guy’s named saved as ‘do not answer’ in the homiette’s phone…another lesson for another day. But the question I’m here to answer is why did this gentleman feel the need get a +1 on his facebook friend total after one chance meeting and 2 texts?

The answer is quite simple…RECONNAISSANCE.

In today’s age of putting all your business on the interwebs, it is very easy to gather incremental information about a person online than back in the early 2000s when it took at least 3-4 dates. So you can imagine the preference for the $Free.99 route vs. the Sizzlers + Dennys + Red Lobster + Movies route. As someone who has done their fair share of recon missions, I can quickly walk you through the process.

profile picture inspection…the first thing I am greeted with is the self-selected profile pic. Obviously I want to confirm your attractiveness levels that are now a bit cloudy thanks to all that courage juice I was on. In addition, I am looking for red flags such as the phone camera self portrait in the mirror look or the glamour shots trying to be a model look…assuming you pass the initial check we move on…

photos perusal…they say a broken clock is right two times a day so I need further proof of what you really look like. I go through your available pictures looking for a number of things: 1) too many photos with athletes (it shouldn’t resemble nba.com); 2) any and all Halloween costume photo opps (they are the best); 3) have you always been a woman in the photos (you’d be surprised what photos people forget to take down); 4) are you the cutest friend in the crew (need to know what to expect if ever invited out)…

mutual friends…this is a crucial stage as any overlap of friends could prove detrimental to you becoming the next ex. Do you know too many dudes that I know leading me to believe that they know you biblically already? Or do I know too many of your female friends meaning I need to send some ‘I’m sorry’ emails with the quickness? The perfect case is to have zero in common friends but that is nearly impossible with you having 1200 friends…

the wall…now that I’ve confirmed no historical conflicts and physical compatibility remains, I am looking for character flaws in the form of dialogue on your wall. Can you spell? Do you constantly flirt with all male posters? Do your status updates suck? Are there ambiguous messages throughout leading us to believe your knees have the same magnetic flows meaning they are never drawn together? I’ll stop there as you should have the idea by now…

friends…you passed the major tests but now are susceptible to being guilty by association. I’ll repeat the process with those friends with public profiles looking for similar shortcomings because they say ducks of a feather flock together and I’m all about duck dodging…

Now that you know why he asked to be fb friends, you have two options: 1) clean your profile of any discrepancies and click on that confirm button; 2) follow in the shoes of the homiette and make him come out and say why he wants to add you and get your 3-4 dates in before he realizes your flaws and goes looking for new fb friends.

onetrik…president of recon for a safer tomorrow….


About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

4 Responses to facebook…a powerful tool…

  1. Lolita says:

    Ha- this is exactly why I NEVER add dudes on facebook. Not even the QB! If you want to get to know me, pick up a phone or let’s hang out. As far as potential suitors are concerned “I don’t have facebook”. And that’s the truth!

    • this explains why we are stuck in friend request purgatory with you…

      • Rod says:

        You are welcome to use the following template to reply to FB request:

        Dear applicant,
        We appreciate your interest in becoming a virtual friend of the distinguish [insert your name]. We inform you that before you can delight in the immensity of such accomplishment we will first conduct a deep review of the value you may bring to our circle of trust. We forewarn that this process is exhaustive and only a few applicants make it to the final round for consideration of virtual friendship. We won’t wish you luck as this has nothing to do with it and would be foolish to think so, thus we say to you,
        Good Day,
        Reviewing Group for Applicants of the Priceless Members of Facebook

  2. Andre says:

    Dead on!
    Hand claps from all men!

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