a few things that corporate america just won’t allow…

so my b-school graduation is but a few short weeks away and after spending the last 2 years bs’ing experimenting with alternate haircut schedules, facial hair lengths and definitions of business casual (and that’s all…i promise), i am coming to the realization that these days of experimental living are quickly winding down…i am now staring down the barrel of corporate america’s shotgun, where they will once again do their best to strip away any inkling of individuality that i have amassed since we last spent quality time together…

fortunately for me, i own enough fusion razors and gordon gartrells  to at least look like i’ve been there before…although my need for individualism has generally still left me within arm’s reach of what is consider corporate friendly, there are others that have made some personal alterations that may earn them permanent membership in the group of citizens that can only talk about gainful employment in the past or the future tense…

below is a brief list of things that may have taxpayers unwillingly paying your salary for a while…

excessive body art…tattoos are like herpes…they’re fun to get, but impossible to get rid of…wait…that may’ve been a little over the top…how about this one…tattoos are like girlfriends…they’re only cool until you don’t want them anymore…dang…it looks  like my socially acceptable analogy machine is on the fritz today…just know that you shouldn’t invest in full sleeve tattoos until you’re on your second nba contract…and you shouldn’t invest in a face tattoo until you’re ready to see an idiot every time you pass by anything reflective…

teeth jewelry…diamond grills and coffee breaks don’t mix…but then again neither do diamond grills and successful interviews…your teeth coverings should never be more valuable than the words that slip across them…if you’re job doesn’t require spitting expensive prose, just stick with the chiclets god gave you…

mohawks and cornrows…first of all, if you still have cornrows, you should grab your ipod alpha and hop back into your hot tub time machine because apparently you weren’t as ready to let 2001 go as we thought…and when you get back there tell your boy ja rule to invest his gangster crooning dough in something other than his career…you with the mohawk, you can stay…outside…on that scaffold…cleaning the windows…

pants on the ground pants on the ground…the day you decide that you want to work for the man should be the same day you decide to figure out what your real pants size is…properly controlling your lunch tray requires 2 hands, which means there is no hand left over to grip your underemployed gucci belt…

poor halitosis control…this rule should actually be followed by all that consume oxygen however if you tend to consume this oxygen alone, we will cut you some slack…but for the rest of you…as a general rule, if you haven’t done anything in the last 35 minutes to actively manage your breathe, it’s more than likely re-tarted…

as a slight aside, if you are an 8.5 or above, your breath stinks all the time but people don’t know how to tell you…

honorable mentioncareless illicit drug use…we don’t hate you because you stink…we hate you because you’re stingy…but happy 420 to you anyway…

now i’m turning the floor over to you my gainfully and not so gainfully employed compadres…what else should i be looking forward to not being able to enjoy…

elrock…they tell me a computer can do my job better than i can damn do it…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

2 Responses to a few things that corporate america just won’t allow…

  1. Sami says:

    the part about mohawks & cornrows was extraordinary! iPod alpha? Hilarity ensued.

    I can’t really think of anything pressing to add to this list. It seems you covered it brilliantly. This blog definitely never disappoints, I love it!

  2. Niki B. says:

    Liquid Lunches with your homeboys,Jack, Pat & Ron

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