excuse me miss…

There is an old sorority hazing chant saying that goes, “Excuses are the tools of the weak and incompetent, used to build monuments of nothing…” And yet, I find myself today weeding through a boat load of those very IKEA quality wording wrenches in order to get to “The Truth”.  I’m writing this for a few of my girlfriends.  I’ve heard some discouraging tales of the excuses men use to get out of commitments.  There was the dreaded lost wallet , the tried and true “stuck in customs and missed my flight”  and of course, the fail-safe “I got lost”. (And those were this week alone. I’m writing this on a Monday).

Now, whether or not the ladies on the receiving end of  the obvious bullsh*t lies being purported choose to believe is up to them. Me? I don’t believe much of anything anyone tells me, anyway. But even if I did, the caliber of excuses given leaves much to be desired and are, therefore, difficult for ANY of us to digest. The problem with the excuses men put forth today is that they are SO unoriginal.  Apparently, you all are reading the same handbook on how to get out of things. The only problem? We’ve read it to. And so today, I will provide my male constituents with yet another UBF list- the excuses that they should probably retire.

I fell asleep – Well isn’t that interesting. Let me get this straight: You can stay up all night hopped up on Ciroc (a Depressant) to watch the forgone conclusion of a Laker’s game (it’s not like you don’t already know the outcome), but as soon as it was about 60 minutes from your date, narcolepsy mysteriously claimed your body? You would have been better off just saying “I didn’t feel like it”. We’d respect you more.

I lost my phone, my phone died, I didn’t have service, I left my phone at [insert work, restaurant, club, boy’s house, car] or any derivative thereof. – You want us to believe that Mr. Attached to his Phone like a baby to a bottle was suddenly able to tare himself away for the first time in history during the one time we were unable to be a witness? Man is to Phone what Dog is to Bone. They never leave it behind. Next time just say “I didn’t pick up, I pressed ignore and you probably don’t want to know why.” It will eliminate 85% of the argument you are about to have and get right to the good part.

I lost my wallet, my friend got a DUI, I had a mysterious family emergency –  It’s not that this kind of stuff never happens. It’s just that the timing of these events become awfully convenient when a man pulls a “no call, no show”. Usually, the credit cards are replaced a bit too soon, the “friend” in question is someone without a name or with a name you will never meet, and the “family emergency” typically has details that range from vague to nebulous. This level of excuse is typically used too seriously KO a chic. So once the emergency has passed and she still hasn’t heard from you, the jig is up. As a common courtesy, it might just be better to bow out honestly- you know, kinda the way grown men are supposed to…

I never got your text/voicemail/message – Ahhh backwards psychology. I definitely have had a guy give me that phone call a week later asking, “Where have you been?!??” after he was the one who stood ME up. He then says he never got my call, he was wondering what happened, blah blah blech. Stop it. Trying to convince us that AT&T suddenly has a personal vendetta against our texts and voicemails while you get everyone else in the world’s is not going to work. So don’t even try it.

The rest – For good measure, I’ll leave you with a short list of other excuses in the same vein…that you should stop using: I was in the shower, I was driving, My mother, brother, cousin, long lost aunt, great great whatever was sick, I ate too much (and then fell asleep), I was at work and lost track of time, I was helping a friend move, I was on the phone with my mom, My phone deleted all my numbers, I lost my phone (and then fell asleep), I was watching the game (and then fell asleep), I forgot, It’s not mine, Oh that- that must be my roommate’s (video/magazine/panties/stray girly item), I was outside- you didn’t hear me. You must have fallen asleep, My phone didn’t ring, I was on the train, I left you a message- you didn’t get it, I was getting a haircut, I got food poisoning and was in the emergency room (and then fell asleep), My car got towed, I drank too much (and then fell asleep), I was at church, My car wouldn’t start…

Fellas man up. If you are going to lie, do it big! Or at least be a little more creative.

So ladies- do you think I got them all or did I miss something? ;)

lolita

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

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