it was all good just a week ago…

Oh fellas…Every now and then I feel compelled to tell you the truth. It’s rare. And I very much try to suppress the urge. But off we go before I lose my nerve…

Here’s the scenario. You meet an attractive potential situation wherever you encounter such things and commence the dance called dating. Drinks here, three strategically placed phone calls there, a dinner/movie date and one day time outing later…and no sex. So, by this time, you might be doing the internal calculations. Three dates have passed and you have spent anywhere from $200 – $1000 depending on where you live, what she ate and what that magical daytime date entailed. You have spent approximately 3 hours in anytime minutes and 100 thumb strokes on bbm or 200 on an iPhone because of that damn autocorrect.  And finally, you have had anywhere from 15 minutes Marc Nelson style to a couple hours if Marvin Gaye is more your thing of um…’personal time’ with her Facebook photos.

But again, No Sex.  It’s decision time. This is the moment where about 85% of you chuck up your deuces and move on to the easier choice next person on deck.  Never a man to cut off his nose and spite his face, a seasoned player at this game leaves the door cracked slightly open. Maybe he doesn’t call, but he’ll reserve a few hail mary texts just when she starts to think he forgot about her. He suddenly is very ‘busy’ with work, travel, the homies…ANYTHING to avoid dropping another dime on ‘The Unsure Thing’.  But he never actually says “I don’t want to see you.” He just avoids her like the plague. Because ultimately, if it’s between spending more time and money on Mrs. Fort Knox Panties versus inviting Mrs. No Panties over to the crib for beer and pizza, we all know who is gonna win.

And it makes perfect sense. Except one thing. Here’s something you didn’t know. You were exactly One Point Five (1.5!) dates from unlocking Fort Knox and her panties. That’s right. Men, you are often MUCH closer to the golden gates than you realize. Do you REALLY think we enjoy waiting until marriage or jesus returns or whatever happens first enough dates have passed and it is legally ok to do the dew without being considered a jump off? Do you think we LIKE being sexually frustrated, backed up and grumpy? Have you EVER hung out with a woman who isn’t getting any? PMS ain’t nothing on sexual frustration.   Maybe I’m painting a broad brush, but my friends with no sex life are the most unpleasant ones to hang out with.  So again…yes. We want you to respect us. And we want you to think we are discerning even when we aren’t. And if we TRULY like you, we will wait a bit longer than we want to before giving you the keys to the city. But just when you started to get frustrated and decided this was too long to wait…

We were planning our first night of hanging from chandeliers, taking a trip south of the border, smacking bellies, banana Olympics, making ugly faces, rubbing you down with damp wash clothes, shower sex and oh yes, getting you a half gallon of ice water and frying you some eggs at 3 in the morning to give you some sustenance for round 2. We have ACTIVE imaginations. We were planning…right when you started flaking.  And then we realized that you were that guy that was too impatient to take his time and wait for that Good, GOOD…well you get my point. Nice job idiot.   And since YOU have officially become the d–k tease of the relationship, we have to find a way to handle our business. That scene with Nia Long, lingerie, air freshener and her Nasty attitude in The Best Man was Real! (And worth a watch for the fellas…Nia was lookin good.)  Now you gotta start over with either another Brink’s  Security system or an Open House that accepts E-Z Pass…neither of which is leading to real satisfaction anytime soon.  Meanwhile, we can go and have sex with one of our friends (or hey- maybe even one of yours!) who has been waiting for this opportunity…to tide us over. We’re women. At the end of the day, we can have sex whenever we want. Not necessarily with who we want, but whenever. It could all have been so simple. But you had to make it hard…

Funny what seven days can change…

lolita

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

4 Responses to it was all good just a week ago…

  1. Monique says:

    **Snaps fingers**
    You better preach it! I’ve been in this predicament one too many times. I’ve already planned what I’m going to do with him, where, how many times, what toys will be involved, etc and etc. after the second date. And just when I feel it’s the right time to pounce… he goes and pulls some mess like that and then I’m left to call that friend w/ benefits…when I really don’t want to. A sexually frustrated woman is never a good thing, especially when the person she wants to do goes into the avoiding mode.

  2. Lolita says:

    The Worse! I always tell my male friends you guys are ALWAYS much closer than you think. But you know what- his loss! Friends with benies often know how to get the job done….

  3. Soumynona says:

    @Monique, do that thang!! Ish, toys too?!? Where do the toys go if and when he is too impatient and the friend with bennies is unavailable? Entertain me (eyes wide shut right now)

    @Lolita, you know you have rapidly become one of my fave bloggers, I have to say that I agree totally that we men don’t always realize how close we are/were to the honeybiscuits,,,but sometimes that is a good thing depending on the type of man. I always tell my boyz that if you want to treat her right – buy her nice ish, take her out, drink wine with her, pop bottles etc, please do it without any residual expectations – it just makes things much smoother. However, unfortunately, I’ve seemed to have created these great gentlemen who have an extremely high propensity towards well “Hoeing”. Once a man sees that this works, then he “hones” his craft on other women. Starts with those close to him, then progresses to strangers he happens to meet at cigar bars who ask him to take their picture. Soon what you have is this dilemma – every women gets the itch at the same dammmmmm time. So while it seemed like he was being such a good gentlemen after 3 dates, waiting and all, it was because his catch from 5 dates ago is shining up her handcuffs. I try to tell those young men (now just turning 30) that I can’t hang out with them bc I’ve got a good-good thang at the crib but they tempt me and I go…and the craziness ensues. Now in my 30 years of life (post-nursing =)) I’ve accumulated some experiences, some that I report on here happened a while ago (I use a 25 month disclaimer, altho the cigar bar was this past weekend)
    I think I should reopen my blog…to avoid sounding so pretentious all the darn time…or maybe ubf is my therapy (venting right now)

  4. Lolita says:

    Hahaha ah yes. Well I can tell you are WELL seasoned at the game. And thank you for the compliment- you are definitely one of my favorite commentators and you really should reopen that blog. As you know, most men just aren’t that patient- which probably works in our favor. It definitely keeps the number of notches on our belt lower! The temporary frustration is probably for the best- if a man can’t wait 5 dates he probably didn’t intend on staying much longer than 5 dates anyway…That being said…I see you are a veteran. I may have to tailor my next blog to encompass the men that know better…such as yourself…tricky…

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