the friend zone…

As one of those females with a lot of male friends that I am not at all boinking, I am often in the position to give a pretty sound argument against the belief that men and women cannot be “just friends”. The premise to this argument is that either one or both parties has an ulterior motive. According to the theory: In the case of men, they rarely hang out with women they don’t find at least passably attractive. As for women, most of the attractive ones don’t have many female friends so homeboys are their default. And the attention of a male homie can quickly turn from happy hour to horizontal mambo under the right circumstances. Of course on both sides, male and female, there is always the friend “lying in wait”. He or she hangs around watching and waiting until the exact right moment to “strike”, thus breaking the barrier of the friend zone. These are the theories that people are out peddling.

Is this really true? I decided to do a quick run through of my male friends and let you guys be the judge. Are we really just friends? Or is there more to it? Below is my list of the types of guys I roll with. You tell me.

The Best Friend- In “My Best Friend’s Wedding”, Julia Roberts was in love with what’s his face who was engaged to Cameron Diaz.  In real life, I am not the least bit nor have I ever been attracted to my best friend in that way. It’s not that he’s ugly- he most assuredly is not. He’s actually very attractive in a familial kind of way. I can see the good qualities. The same way I recognize how pretty my sister is. See what I’m sayin? Now, is this to say that he has never kissed me? No. Of course he has. I think this was less about him liking me and more about him being confused that I didn’t like him. After all, everyone else seemed to. As I always say, dudes WILL try. The ego reigns supreme. But is he lying in wait? Absolutely not.  As my best friend, he of all people knows who he would end up dating. And while we have great chemistry as friends, as lovers- I’m not his type. My verdict? Best Friends Forever. And nothing more.

That Old Thang… – One of my closest confidants is most definitely some one that I used to spend many, many MANY sexy times with. While he is seriously involved at this point in his life and has been for quite a few years, he’s seen me through a lot of bad dates, bad boyfriends and comedic romantic follies. The best part about our friendship probably resulted from the fact that we have done the dew before and were able to come out the other side as nonromantic buddies. At the end of the day, he knows me better than most of my friends probably because I haven’t slept with them and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. That said, am I secretly waiting for him to drop his ball and chain? No. If he did would I be disappointed? Good question. Probably. I want him to be happy- he’s my friend regardless of how great the times were. I can’t see him being content without his current situation in tact. In my opinion, this one busts a myth.  Been there, done that. Nothing to see here.  We’re just friends.

The Work Husband – Ever have a male that you work with 14 hours a day for eight or nine months? You either end up with a deep abiding respect and friendship or killing each other. Since everyone is still alive, the work husband and I made it through the other side. The work we were doing is completed, but we are still great buddies on yahoo instant messenger between the hours of 8am and 6pm as well as during the occasional close of business libation. He knows all about my boyfriend (who he wasn’t fan of) and I know all about his wife (who sounds like she’s runnin things!). Have we ever admitted that we probably would have dated ten years ago? Sure. Does that make a damn bit of difference today? No. Because we also realized it would have been a messy breakup. Glad we dodged that bullet. He makes a much better work husband than anything else in my opinion. I’m sure he will cosign.

That’s a sampling of my male friends. I admit it, a few of them are besties that I love like a sister. Some are the ex in my sexy times and others are guys that I spend a bit too much time with at work.  For me, these guys are the ones I go to for the things my girlfriends can’t tell me. If I want advice on a man, I ask a man.  As an indelible resource of information, offensive jokes and thick skin, I’m not sure how anyone can NOT have a bunch of male friends.  What about you? Are you able to navigate the waters of the friend zone easily? Do you think I’m succeeding or is lolita just fooling herself once again?

Inquiring minds…



About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

9 Responses to the friend zone…

  1. Soumynona says:

    Lolita Lolita Lolita! WOW, you know you are funny right!?! I like how you categorized the “friend” types but surely the people you have placed in those categories have one glaring similarity that if I asked them over hooters wings and Ice Cold beer (doesn’t take much for a man to squeal) they would all reveal this truth: They want to have sex with Mrs. Parker – today your last name is Parker. The problem is that (some) men (unfortunately this is perhaps a great attribute of mine) can have sex with women while simultaneously keeping them in the friend zone…I’ve learned that women are incapable of that feat.
    Let’s review your contestants:
    Bff – when he tried to kiss you, he meant it. No misread messages, just good ‘ol testosterone. It comes and goes after 30 but if he is/was in his pre-30s at the time, that ish flowed like butter down the bottom of a beautiful…sorry you caught me in a moment but yeah, he’d “ruin” the friendship for that moment and currently is like a dormant volcano. The only way to prevent an eruption would be for you to marry. Trust me on this one – I saw my life flash before me like 7 times when I was reading this story. He is not a good friend candidate now but perhaps in the future once you both are married with kids (either to each other or someone else) FYI – I love that movie, I watched it with my best friend (a female at the time) on video every year on V-Day until one time it was too late and we fell asleep together. Then in a state of unconsciousness, we woke up and commenced to having insane relations…we grunted and screamed and then realized we prob shouldn’t be doing this….but she said “we’ll stop as soon as I say OHHHHH” …. I didn’t get to say ish, consequently we realized we couldn’t be friends anymore either, she was toooo dammm selfish. LMAO

    Thatoldthang: Let’s just say that what you “didn’t” say answers that question. He is not in the friend zone just bc you two are friendly; he’s there for a reason and just like Maya – I know why the caged bird sings…
    He might have the best chance of remaining in the friend zone but I’m not sure you reallllllly want him to stay there :). He prob needs to see you with your guy a few more times before he stops fantasizing about that one night when the walls were shaking and the bed and the floor were fighting for no reason…still then, all his boys know so the fantasy will live on…I have an old thang that I am perpetually trying to keep in the friend zone but she keeps inviting me to hh and her house and breakfast. I always say no thankyou, you must stay in the friend zone :)

    Theworker: This scenario surely resonates with many people. People spend a lot of time at work and if there is a cutie there with you then it makes the day progress a lot smoother. Im’ing a married guy may seem harmless to you bc you really just think he is a good friend but he thinks that he still has “it” and if given the opportunity (he may take it anyway actually) he will express his “friendly” feelings with you – to be discussed over fine swine, wine and vine leaves covering the naked parts…or so he hopes.

    Here is a tell-tale sign if he is really in the friend zone: Does his wife call you, talk to you, know your full name and address, let you all hangout without inviting her, email you, facebook you? Does he mention his wife being his best friend, lover, sweetie pie, cutie bug, best lay ever? Does he talk about problems at home sometimes, wife gets on his nerves sometimes, she doesn’t trust him sometimes??

    If you answered No, No, Yes to the series of questions then this guy is not going to dance in the friendzone, especially if he lucks up and scores…

  2. Lolita says:

    Ok first: ROTFLMFAO x 10. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way. Yeesh nothin like bein BUSTED on your own blog. Well I did ask if I was fooling myself. Clearly you feel the answer to that is ‘Yes’. Um…ok. I’ll have to address these one by one…cuz you know…you made some really compelling points.

    The BFF: Yeah…we definitely were in our early 20s when he tried this. And he definitely has promised to marry me if I ever change my mind about not getting married and being Goldie Hawn minus the kids…as a best friend type of deal…but when you color it the way you have….welll….ok i see your point. He’s a man. And he’s single. I do know he thinks I am attractive in the “I would never touch you because you aren’t remotely my type and we are buddies” kind of way….which really in a man’s world doesn’t mean a damn thing….So you can never really rule it out. In conclusion: He may not be waiting with baited breath but if opportunity presented itself…

    That Old Thang: Ack. This is the one I hate addressing because the memory is worse than a fictional romance novel. You can still SMELL the ahem…times…if you think hard enough. It’s not imagination- it’s knowledge. That being said…yeah i’ll keep it 500 for you. Most men aren’t that great. Good sex AND we get along? I respect relationships. I very much respect other women. And I like that we have a great friendship. I still find him EXtremely attractive…but that boundary isn’t one I cross. I guess that’s not a very long rope and it’s definitely not a thick wall…but it’s all I’ve got. In conclusion: Touche Life is long and relationships don’t work out 50% of the time. Can’t completely rule out a horizontal redux in the next 20 yrs or so…and 20 is probably pushing it. I give it 5 max depending on whatever happens next in our respective relationship lives…if we both end up on the other side of that 50…I’ll definitely want that old thang back

    The coworker: OK…wasn’t goin to ever post this on the blog but once upon a time a work husband and i had what Billy Clinton called “relations”. It was years ago…and you know there were no horror stories, bad kharma or drama actually. It started. It was great. I ended it. We went back to being work spouses…because married people don’t have sex anyway. In present day….yeah you make a good point. He mighta knocked it out if I let him. But I didn’t. But isn’t that all guys? All you need is a place and an opportunity…

    And for your last one: No, No Yes…Um so That Old Thank and the work husband…definitely fall into the No No Yes. The BFF and I are 100% honest with each other….I think we really might just be friends…so I guess…in conclusion…you caught me! All my male friends are the spades equivalents of “possibles”, perhaps just waiting to be played in the right hand…

  3. soumynona says:

    Lolita, I am an expert (published perhaps but not in this subject, otherwise my name ‘backwards’ wouldn’t mean anything :)) so do not feel bad. I am a firm believer in the friend zone. I have quite a few female friends that I wouldn’t touch with a 6ft pole (good thing I have a yard-stick) ….ok totally sophomoric but I walked into it :). At any rate, I really do have female friends that do not spark anything in me but they have the best looking friends that are soooooo fun to flirt with. I value your candidness. It’s quite refreshing actually. Insanely funny story about the work ‘thing’. I had an employee and I really wanted her to get married to her longtime bf bc she was cute azz hale and we flirted constantly with each other and I couldn’t get ish done. I didn’t give her a payraise for 2 years, suggesting that she move and accept her bf’s hand in marriage (they were in dif cities). One day she told me that she was a few months pregnant by her bf, I sent everyone home early, bent her over her desk for special laptop access, then released her from her work duties so that she can receive unemployment from that point until she could find a job in the new city. #imsorryicausedtherecession

  4. Lolita says:

    Well. Damn. (Speechless)

  5. Pingback: it was all good just a week ago… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

  6. Niki B says:

    dear lolita,

    all men are just men in waiting. my BFF always told people the only reason we were not sleeping together was because i didn’t want to. when he got married, his wife put an end to that relationship. i respected that decision, because a happy wife is a happy life, as my husband will tell you. when he got divorced, it was like we never stopped talking. and he is a really good friend, nothing more, because we did both get married and respect those unions.

    i think another myth you mentioned in passing that, “As for women, most of the attractive ones don’t have many female friends so homeboys are their default”, is just in fact that, a myth. women who have no female friends are, and should be, “red flags” for any man who thinks of getting involved with her. as stated here, men are not “just friends” with females. ever. i’m all for getting a male’s perspective, but he almost always has an angle. so basically, any woman with no female friends really has no friends at all,attractive or less than that.

    • Lolita says:

      I somewhat agree- I think the one comment I made about the attractive woman was more meant in jest than to be taken too literally, but that said- yes. A woman with no female friends is some one to avoid like the plague! I’m not sure a lot of men realize that though lol.
      That said- I would like to believe that there are some sincere, no angle, opposite sex friendships out there, but perhaps they are the exception to the rule…Wishful thinking maybe? Naive perhaps? I want to believe it can happen…maybe…perhaps I got spoiled by my bff. It might just be that exception…

  7. Pingback: dem male friends…strike again… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

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