Just…relax…

A wise man once said, “Just Breathe and Stop”…ok well maybe it was Q-tip. But whatever, he had a good point.  As some ladies and gents approach certain birthday milestones, they become…dare I say…desperate. This desperation has many faces ranging from being constantly on the prowl for a person to call your “boo” to relentlessly trying to prove that you’ve “still got it” by plugging every pothole in the street. As an UnFan of extremes, the folks at UBF are here to throw up the proverbial Stop sign and help you check yourself before you wreck yourself.  While you might see your efforts as valiant, spectators only see them as desperate.  Just in case you are unsure, here are some tell tale signs that you are, in fact, doing too much.

Every night is an opportunity for true love – Don’t you ever go out and just chill? No? Then you are doing too much. If every single social outing is fraught with romantic agenda, then be careful. Your desperation is showing. I have a friend that will only go out with me to places where she spies the opportunity to “meet cute boys”. I’m not kidding. If I suggest anything that falls slightly outside of where her “type of man” might be hiding, she’s not interested. Each outing she is on the prowl, hungry, eyes darting, searching, hopeful to meet “The One”…at a bar or club in New York, no less.  Does anyone ever meet anyone when they are trying so hard? Again, people can smell desperation a mile away. The fact is, life happens when you least expect it. Stop trying to force fate and just, well let things happen naturally.

You play a little game in your head…- called how many different girls can I get to fall for me. Thought we didn’t know about that one, eh? Or maybe it’s going by a different name these days…oh yes, I know. Being “noncommittal”.  Here’s how the game goes: Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy spends time with girl. Boy and girl start to take relationship to next level. Boy begins new strategy called hide and seek “plateau”. Boy introduces new playing piece called Next Girl. And then there were two…Wash, rinse, repeat. Not sure if this is a game of ego or too much free time, but whichever it is, it’s too much.  My suggestion? I know it’s hard, but…Grow up. In high school, it was cool. At 35, it’s pathetic.  State your intentions or move it along. Tricks are for kids.

But Baby I love you! –  A friend of mine knows a guy that is so whipped by Garlfield’s baby sister that he’s begging to pay this woman’s rent, car note and “any other bills” she has just to get her back in his bed. I’m not sure what she did to him or how, but I’d like to learn his frantic BBMs of “Baby I love you!” are met with responses such as “Leave me alone!!” and “Shut up!!!” I wish I were joking. I’ve never seen a man chase quite so hard…that said…when we aren’t feeling sorry for him, we are laughing at him. He’s doing waaaaay too much. At some point, pride has to kick in. Know when to hold ‘em and know when to fold ‘em. If someone clearly states they aren’t interested, don’t assume you know better. Play it safe. Take their word for it and let it go.

We See You…- with a new guy every week. I have friends of both sexes that are introducing me to new people with the same frequency that I change socks. It’s hard to keep up. Each new paramour is “The right one this time”. But what about the last one? And the one before that? Nothing says doing too much like the person who can’t stand to be alone…even for a minute. Serial Monogamous, Serial Daters, Serial Sexers…at the end of the day they are all the same illness with just slightly different symptoms.  Slow down. Don’t be so easy. Breathe. Learn how to exist in your own space without a warm body rubbing up next to you.

When single, the best way to become Un-Single is not by putting yourself on overdrive. And if you like playing the field, do so with class. Don’t let your own insecurities be the reason you suck other people into your neurosis.  At the end of the day, our actions are not in a silo. Your friends, enemies, coworkers and acquaintances on the outside of your overactive bubble all sit with a raised eyebrow. And the outsider looking in is secretly, silently judging you.

I’m just sayin…

lolita

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

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