in chase of the ring…5 things that probably won’t get you engaged…

in a week or so the nba playoffs will be in full swing with 15 teams looking to obtain that ever elusive nba championship ring from mr. bryant and company…there’s just one small issue…those staple center dwellers (and clippers, you know we aren’t talking about you) aren’t looking to part with it easily…with that in mind, several teams spent the last several months making moves to improve their chances of landing that golden knuckle cozy…the folks down in south beach went out and grabbed dan gilbert’s best friend, the knicks picked up lala’s husband while okc acquired the man with no smile muscles

on the non-millionaire athlete side of town, there are others amongst us who are in search of an elusive ring as well…although no one is sure how the moves described above might work out, i’m quite sure that the tactics some of you are resorting to to achieve “championship status” will only leave you back in the lottery next season…

that said…here are some things you should not do in your quest to lock down a life sentence proposal…

changing zip codes…although it might work out for lebron or melo, your relocating across country will probably have you swerving right past the altar and pulling into roscoe’s chicken and loneliness…the only thing worse than being broken up with, is being broken up with hundreds of miles away from the nearest cry-friendly shoulder…if your professional life sends you there, cool…but if you’re only moving to push the issue, do as the man with the sedated donkey and keep yo ass still…

– changing addresses…although moving across town doesn’t come with the same risk as moving across country, if your intentions are the same, the outcome will probably be quite similar…although there is probably some merit to seeing how dirty your mate lets the bath tub get before they clean it…helping them to remove that ring, probably won’t earn you one of your own…

knocked up to get locked down…by far the dumbest on the list…if you were even considering this one, i want you to climb inside of a plastic dry cleaners bag and think about why your brain only runs at half speed…until it stops…popping out a kid just ensures that there will be at least one more person that is miserable because y’all couldn’t work things out…

pushing the j button…this one is cute…you know…when you start name dropping and possibly even hanging out with other dudes to get your intended targets attention…if he was on the verge, this one might work for you…however…if he wasn’t…well at least you now have another nice gentleman friend to scare off in a few months…

just plain old hanging around…you know that dress that you bought back in 2009 that you keep in your closet because you paid a lot for it…over time you realized that it wasn’t really what you thought it was, and now you don’t really like it but you feel kinda bad about just giving it away…yeah…that’s you…except the dress can’t climb out of that closet and find someone who likes it for what it is…

as far as things that work…well…you can start by only dating people that are interested in getting married and if you really want to slant the odds in your favor, only date people who are interested in marrying you…

elrock…if he liked it then he would’ve…you know…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

One Response to in chase of the ring…5 things that probably won’t get you engaged…

  1. Lola says:

    “do as the man with the sedated donkey and keep yo ass still…” hahahahahhaha, heel-a-rious! :-D

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