ex commandments…

Regardless of if your last dating scenario ended amiable with the two of you remaining facebook friends or you required a new set of pirellis on the whip and a restraining order, you are currently someone’s ex. Congratulations and welcome to today’s less than ground-breaking realization.

As an ex, there are definitely socially agreed upon things that come with this role. For instance, you should probably stop calling that person your girlfriend/boyfriend. And it is probably is a good idea for you to remove them as the benefactor of your life insurance policy (especially in the case of the restraining order as that seems to contain the makings of a ‘misunderstanding’).

In addition to the obvious rules, there are a few finer points that some of you are directly violating. Whether it be charged to your refusal to admit all that victoria secrets you bought is being enjoyed by other fellows or a fear the next chic is getting that ring you designed in your mind that he was supposed to buy, you should probably take a gander at the following guidelines for effectively managing your position as ex cherie amour.

the games over… so whether you won or lost, the game is over. No need to keep running plays as no points can be earned. Whether the other person is in a new game or remains in offseason, take your talents to a new competition where they will be actually counted and rewarded with praise and coitous. Don’t confuse shooting around on the exes goal as a chance of overtime…

don’t compete with the next one…this is the same point as the first said another way since you’ll probably ignore it the first time. You had your chance at the big stuffed animal. Now step aside and let the next person get their shot. Interfering is useless effort and adds the word ‘crazy’ to your ex title…

don’t use anytime minutes…your barometer for communicating with the ex should be whether it is worth dipping into your non-anytime minutes. This helps you on two fronts: 1) keeps you from calling during booty call hours and potentially messing up the booty they are about to receive; 2) it keeps you from meaningless communication that adds ‘annoying’ to your ex title…

mute updates…your receptivity to the other person moving on is a direct indicator of how much information you need access to. If those new pictures of them hugged up with the obvious downgrade requires you to take a mental day break from your job, then you should probably de-friend or stop wasting the company’s money checking your news feed at work…

slander limits…for every three months spent together, you are allowed one occasion for talking mess with your friends in a closed forum (facebook, twitter, youtube, blogs and television are not included). Your lack of a happily ever after does not give you the freedom to air dirty laundry to the masses. Venting is like farting…natural and everyone does it…but if you do it too often, people may stop hanging out with you. Don’t add ‘friend-less’ to your ex title…

Before I head over to kinkos to have this inscribed on stone tablets, does anyone have additions?

onetrik…ex-tracurricular management lead…


About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

One Response to ex commandments…

  1. Pingback: just in case you like it there… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

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