if you’re messy and you know it clap your hands…

i’m a simple dude with a very simple life and to protect this peaceful existence, i live by some pretty simple rules…numero uno on that list…misuse poorly spoken spanish every opportunity you get…but running a close numero two-o is avoid messy situations/people at all cost…

simply stated…messiness to me is an affinity towards the creation or introduction of negativity where it did not previously exist…sounded pretty reasonable i thought…

well…some recent life happenings have called my definition of ‘messy’ into question…i was told that perhaps my messy-meter was set too broad…given my track record for being right, i found that accusation to be preposterous, but in an effort to avoid any future misinterpretations, i decided to expound a bit on my definition and float it out to the ubf family for your input and approval…so here it is…in all of it’s glory…

you are messy if:

you hate people you don’t know…that is unless, of course, that list includes any of those faux housewives, someone wielding a fire hose in one of those old grainy civil rights videos, any person personally responsible for a holocaust or genocide or anyone that has set your race back 40 years…yup flav…we’re still talking about you…pre-hating anyone not on this pre approved list puts you in direct violation of the anti-messiness code…

you’ve said “i don’t mess with her because she’s messy” more than 4 times in your life…can you please step in front of this strategically placed imaginary mirror and repeat that phrase…then applaud yourself…

you can think of more than 3 people you just can’t stand or don’t get along with…please wait here while i go grab my common denominator detector…ok…i’m back…wait…that’s funny…it keeps going off the closer it gets to you…you may not be the only problem, but you are definitely a part of it…

you commonly adopt the beefs of others…unlike cambodian orphans, other people’s problems are not to be brangelina’ed…if you look inside your bag of belligerence and find that only half of those ongoing feuds actually have your name on them, go ahead and do as the title of this post directed…we’ll wait…

nice people don’t like you…if people that get along with everybody still can’t seem to stomach you, you are the messiest link…goodbye…

you have beef with someone and can’t remember why yet you stay staunchly committed to staying seated in front of that bovine filled plate…meeessssyyyy…and yes i just sang that last part in a very classy falsetto…not that j holiday jazz…

you can’t be friends with chicks…i checked with that dude onetrik and he assured me that being friends with chicks isn’t really that difficult at all…and of course i believed him because i know for a fact he does it a lot…a whole lot…so if you’re having that much trouble relating to the fairer sex, just comment on his post tomorrow with a request for some tutelage…

see…straight forward just like i said…now i ask you court of 27 readers…what say you…is there anyone that i’ve mislabeled or added in error…

elrock…aka mr. clean…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

3 Responses to if you’re messy and you know it clap your hands…

  1. SdotKikko says:

    Clap clap. Bravo.

  2. Lolita says:

    Amen & Thank you. I might have to bite off this in the next post.

  3. Soumynona says:

    LMAO @ “if you’ve said “i don’t mess with her because she’s messy” more than 4 times in your life”
    I’ve also heard some females refer similarly, “I don’t mess with her…,” to instances related to adopting the beef of others but in a more “hole-some” way.
    I have even over-heard (been told to directly) that a guy (me) is being messy when he flirts with a previous fling knowing she’s going to catch feelings eventhough that guy might be in a relationship.
    …begins the slow clap

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