mileage calculator….

“The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.”

I’m pretty sure Robert Frost wasn’t talking about the types of forests or track stars I’m referring to, but it’s a beautiful poem, nonetheless. In a city as large as New York, one would think that the sexy times’ Olympic gold medals would get lost in the mail. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. If you’re “winning” every race, please believe that there is somebody making a list and checking it twice. You are all on there somewhere. The question is, how many times  are you still candidates to be “Certified Pre-Owned” or is your mileage so high that you might get sent straight to the  junk yard?

Most people think they are in the used car lot.   A few delusional people optimists believe they still have that ‘new car smell’ just because they’ve only been test driven a couple of times. But nobody actually admits believes they are the type of car you strip and sell for parts even if that’s how people are treating them. Luckily, there are a few ways to tell if you’re no longer a good investment and your potential buyer might end up…upside down or whatever other position you prefer. Start adding up your points. After 100k, you lose…

  • You are a double dipper – Don’t you hate when you are at a barbecue and some one dips the chip, takes a bite and then dips again? It really is like putting your whole mouth in the dip. This same logic holds true for “Teams”, fraternities, coworkers and friends.  Smashing the homie or other close associates is the ultimate no-no.  That goes for ladies and gents alike. Homie smashing adds a good 50k to your sexual odometer, plus 60k for each additional indiscretion. From now on, when you take a chip, just take one dip and end it.


  • You’re like Cheers: Everyone knows your name.-  I know someone whose first name alone inspires that familiar “ooooooohhhh yeah! I know that chic! Isn’t she the one…” If everywhere you go, you have friends or enemies or exes, that’s a bad sign. Unless you live in a city of less than 1 million people, there is absolutely no reason why everywhere you go, it should be All About You. That’s another 55k according to my calculations…


  • You’re a road warrior- Speaking of every other city you go, we see the same hos if you’re that guy or gal that flies to the booty, immediately add 30k to your mileage. You’re expanding yourself in ways that most cars people never get an opportunity to. Now, in addition to being a household name in your own city, you are building a fine reputation for yourself across the nation and possibly world-wide. Congratulations. That’s impressive.


  • Your six degrees of separation…- is more like one. You can name at least three friends, enemies or frenemies that have bumped bellies with an ex partner of yours in Banana Olympics. That’s another 45k- either you have too may ‘friends’ on your friends list or you’re doing too much.


  • You don’t actually know how many… – if you can’t definitively quantify how many partners in sexy crimes that you have had, do not pass go, please do not collect $200 (as that goes from mileage to prostitution) and go directly to jail the junk yard. Without that number, we can’t count your mileage so we will just assume it’s too damn high. You have already been stripped enough times. Those parts belong in the garbage.

I don’t care how lovely, dark or deep the woods may look. You don’t want to get lost in there. Unfortunately, you can have too much of a good thing. Especially when it comes to ahem…driving.

When they welcomed you to the mile high club, this isn’t what they had in mind…



About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

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