easier than it looks…

With the increasing number of relationship/dating blogs and books, one would think that the act of finding someone to share a McD’s 20 piece ‘chicken’ nugget pack with was nearly impossible. However in a random polling of my remaining single friends and their courting life, I find that the process is actually rather easy and believe it or not…fun.

So why all the angst being spread out there about these supposed difficulties…for one it is a ploy to keep Mr. Harvey in the freshest pastel colored suits known to man…and it helps convince all those married people they did the right thing marrying what’s his/her name even though she doesn’t [insert that thing they like]…but mostly it is because some of us found the instruction manual only to not share it with the masses. Given ubf’s fondness for sharing (with the exception of stds and french fries), let’s uncover a few items that will instantly improve your duck dodging missions…

Leave the house…unless you have a thing for the UPS man or mailwoman, you may have to leave the comfy confines of your humble abode to be found by prince charming…don’t worry the dvr will be there for you on your return with all the rhoa and dancing with the stars you can handle…you think you are tired now but imagine how tiring it will be explaining to mama dukes why her grand kids were made in a lab…

Talk to people…and don’t confuse talk for holla…this is actually your problem…your attempt to get to know every female you interact with (regardless of environment) biblically is blatantly obvious and largely ineffective… take a step back and just talk…you’d be surprised what you might find out…like for instance she may not be interested in just being another notch in your bed post…but her bff is…see what talking vs holla’n got you…

Tell people what you like…so there is a high percentage chance that you have two eyes and those you tend to fellowship with also have two eyes which is 100% more eyes than you have for each person you add…it has been a while since I made a crib sheet for differential equations but I think I can figure this one out on my own…the more people that know what you are interested in AND are looking with your best interest in mind mathematically makes it highly likely that you won’t end up being a cat lady…I’d venture a guess that 95% of my dating pool (or jacuzzi when I’m feeling frisky) is directly intro’d/peep’d/flag’d by one of the homies…thanks to the fact that they all know what I like…

Stop with the club…not to say that you can’t go bottle pop (obviously one of our favorite pastimes) or shake ya tailfeather or couch surf or teach others how to dougie…but given your lack of Usher-ness, you shouldn’t be looking for love in the club…mainly because it isn’t there…however it’s step cousin lust is with her girls musty and thirsty…if you haven’t found your superwoman in 10 years of clubbin’, you might want to switch venues before receiving your lifetime achievement award…aka old guy in the club…

Have selective draws…I’d tell you to not sleep with anyone until you get that exclusive spot but I know the looser side of you won’t allow that to happen…so let’s try a simpler step of not giving it up to everyone (unless they have an eloquent blog)…as you most surely know by now, it only causes disappointment as the only thing you have between the two of you will be his magic johnson…

Communications > expectations…with your expectations lower than the communication, you can guarantee limited to no misunderstandings…his realization of your girl being off limits is usually solidified when you tell him…otherwise don’t be surprised when those expectations unexpectedly (by you) get missed (by him) due to lack of communication (not counting this I told you so)…

Now that we have run through those, keep in mind if any of the following applies then you probably just wasted 8 minutes of your life and for that I sincerely apologize:

+ doing 3-5 upstate

+ are still married

+ possess incurable body odor

+ have a face tattoo

+ called ‘baby mama’ by an NBA starting five of any team

onetrik…tips are accepted and appreciated…


About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

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