death to the divas…

no wait…get aretha and patti out of witness protection as this post has nothing to do with the originals…

i always assumed a diva to be a female version of a…no wait…that’s what beyonce called them..i thought it was a grown chick that made straight men want to snap their fingers (don’t try it…it will never go over well…trust me)…

websters defines diva as “a famous and successful woman who is very attractive and fashionable ; especially : an attractive and successful female performer or celebrity”

given the numerous qualifiers in this definition i should have only heard this word spoken as a self evaluation maybe twice in my life…unfortunately this is not the case…

apparently sometime after mr. webster penned this very clear definition, someone broke in and stole damn near all of the those qualifiers and replaced them with adjectives like regular and loud…because the way the term is tossed around now i’m sure the definition must read something like – “ a regular woman who is loud; especially average in pretty much every field of human endeavor”…hell…these new “divas” can’t even sing…

underperforming vocal chords is only one reason these loud regular chicks make my skin crawl…if you have a moment, i’d like to share with you some other reasons why i want to ship all these new divas over to japan to try to douse the smoldering nuclear reactors with their spit (smacks own hand…that was mean…i know)…

they always tell it like it is…but for some reason, it’s always bad…if a diva is commenting on it, you can rest assured that they’ve found something wrong with it…of course it’s never anything big…just those small things that no one really gives a ish about only a real diva would notice…

they require way too much attention…for regular chicks, they require a great deal of adjustments…the temperature is always too hot, the lights are always too bright and the porridge is undoubtedly too cold…wait…i think i just broke the record for 3 bear references in an adult blog…you guys go on to the next bullet while i clean up this confetti…

they bring excess drama…this one is possibly just the very intricate weaving of the first 2 bullets, however it irritates me so much that i felt it deserved it’s very own bullet…you can always count on these divas to say the absolute wrong thing at the worst possible time…they’re the people that deem it necessary to point out people’s very obvious flaws and then reach out for a congratulatory high 5…and now quasimodo refuses to eat lunch around us…

they feel the need to always remind you of their ill gotten diva-dom…if the plain regular appearance and the ridiculously loud voice didn’t give it away, you can always count on a diva to somehow add it 5 – 8 times to their personal introductory paragraph which you will hear at least 3 times during whatever event that lead your paths to cross…if you’re lucky enough to escape that initial conversation with your self esteem and desire to remain at said event in tact, you can then bank on hearing it sprinkled like salt on frosted flakes for the rest of the evening…luck you…

sometimes they’re dudes…exactly…wheretheydothatat…

so to all of you aspiring new divas out there, go find something high, preferably positioned over something sharp and spread your wings…ok…i’m just joking…i know you don’t have wings…don’t stop though…

elrock…diva eradication specialist…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

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