check please…5 people who won’t be coming to dinner…

i’m not really a foody, mainly because it doesn’t sound like a manly thing to be, but  there’s something about a group dinner invite that gets me more excited than the folks on the hd ultra-sunglass infomercial (because who wouldn’t be excited about being able to see real life that looked just…umm…like real life)…

but as much as i enjoy breaking bread with my people, periodically, a small group of undesirables join these crumb fests and extract some of the happy out of those meals…in true ubf fashion, i’m here today to pull the chairs and place settings of these would be dinner demons…so without further ado…would the following folks please get up from my table…

the short changer – they always know exactly what they ordered and how much it cost to the penny…however…they  seem to be completely unfamiliar with the concepts of gratuity and tax…so they give their $14.65 and then sit back and talk about how shameful it is that somebody isn’t paying their fair share…while i spend the rest of the evening thumping nickels at their forehead…

the fry thief – the one that’s just showing up to supervise the meal because they “just” ate 5 hours ago…but by the end of the night they’ve “can i try a little of that-ed” themselves into an itis inducing collection of entrée samples…can’t hate the player, but me and that game aren’t on speaking terms…

the constant complainer – this person would’ve never been able to play the role of goldilocks because they are unfamiliar with the concept of “just right”…however they would’ve requested to see the manager of the 3 bear inn about 12 times before deciding to run off back into the forest…i once had a chick try to request a manager because a waiter mistakenly brought me henny and coke instead of my preferred henny and sprite…that is until i reminded her that you don’t send back a magic carpet because they made it in the wrong color…at the end of the day, it’ll still get you where you’re trying to go…which is on to the next one…

the entrée re-creation specialist – they order an entrée then make more alterations to it than lil kim…they have designed a place for you…a spot that specializes in items made exactly the way you want them …it’s called chez (insert your name here)…next time just make a reservation for 1 over there…

and some dishonorable mention also goes to…

mr./ms. “i hate this restaurant because i’ve eaten there one time and didn’t like the one thing there that i tried”…that’s like saying i don’t like cable because they offer the lifetime movie network…turn on the tv and pick another channel…

the straw demander – i don’t quite know how to break this to you but they usually wash the glasses and the silverware in the same place…one of them you’re afraid to put your lips on, yet the other one you insert all the way into your mouth 234 times…yeeaah…so…eat up…

i’m not saying that any of you are bad people…i’m just saying that i hate you if these are the most memorable things about your dining experiences, you should probably try eating with people who’s company you enjoy so much that exact change and a few extra croutons won’t bother you…

elrock…i’ll be at the table with the cool kids…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

5 Responses to check please…5 people who won’t be coming to dinner…

  1. Marcie says:

    hahaha!

    elrock, you’d hate my dinner requests, but LOVE my company, lol :D

    i am an extreme violator of 2 things on your list…

    honestly, i love trying new restaurants…but, i do want certain things made certain ways (& expect when i ask in my sweet southern belle style that they are)…or, i will politely send it back (& hope/pray you don’t put any of that shug avery in it, lol)

    sadly, i developed some not so fun food allergies a few years ago that should probably just keep me in the house at Chez Marcie (or Pearl –mom dukes who makes anything the way her baby needs), but I REFUSE, lol…so restaurants will just have to deal. isn’t that why i pay and tip them? :-/

    as for the straw….it’s not b/c the glass isn’t clean…let’s be honest…i’m a BIG kid. the end.

    • i think we’ll let you slide with the food allergies…the only thing worse than sitting across from someone who is hodge-podging a dish is sitting across the table from someone who while their throat is closing or face is swelling…

  2. LynneJJ says:

    I am going to run 100 dittos of this and pass them out with my invitations from now on. Thanks.

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