insufficient home training…

Last week, I let the cat out of the bag regarding the additional training those of us with close female comrades are receiving. I was then greeted by multiple accounts of gents roaming these streets for bone jumpage lacking not only that incremental training but the basic home training. We at ubf mistakenly thought there was a shared understanding of operating principles that kicked in by the time you packed up your last pair of fruit of the looms and bid your parents’ lodgings a final farewell…also known as entering adultmanship. But based on the tales shared with me, a few of you are encountering remedial daters with varying annoying conditions.

So this is how we are going to address this:

A)     If you have encountered one of the following cases, please forward this on to the individual responsible for the offense. You are not required to point out which applies to them specifically because assuming they can read, it will be obvious.  Pat your self on the back and jot down these 10 minutes of community service performed.

B)      If you were passed this article by someone you have yet to see bukke-nekkid, please read the following as a fortune cookie…the message inside is made especially for you. Any remote heeding of the advice will have a direct impact on your lack of seeing bukke-nekkidness in the future.

Now for the commonly shared conditions (and solutions)…

+ You sent her 10 text messages with no response…while we all tend to hit a dead spot in service or have a hard day at the office, any combination of 10 sequential instances of communication yielding no reply is actually giving you a reply. The problem is it isn’t the reply that you wanted or felt when you were buying those $14 martinis. You see the problem is you had limited to no chance to begin with but your ‘it ain’t trickin if you got it’ mentality rewarded you a 10 digit reward. The unfortunate part is you wasted that reward with your overly anxious reaching out. You may think we only know about the texts but if you went as far to send that many texts, we know you also made a couple calls and left at least one desperate voicemail pleading for a call back. The best you can do now is hope she didn’t share them with the guy she is currently sitting across the dinner table from and take this lesson on the chin and into your next dating battle.

+ You won’t ask her on an actual date…unlike our first friend, she actually responded to your follow-up correspondence. Look at you. You’ve since dazzled her with your amazing textual word play and sultry phone voice but your lack of confidence/huevos/discretionary income is keeping you from actually going through with your initial suggestion that the two of you should go out. You should give her anytime minutes a rest and set up an actual in person rendezvous before you get the similar treatment as our first contestant.

+ You call her by something not her name…you had no issue restraining from phone number abuse and even managed to coordinate a date or two leaving her impressed until she realized that your company was actually no benefit to her existence. Your inquiries for fellowship are now being met by busy calendars and not in the mood moods. Bring on your natural response to rejection which is to call her a gold-digging witch or stuck up female dog or sexually confused drag queen or whatever other clever juvenile term that comes to mind. Instead of slandering the women you were just two days ago prepping your moms to meet, you may want to thank her for gracefully declining your offers to eat shrimp scampi and saving you date money that would have yielded no return on investment.

Given each day new conditions are popping up all over thanks to this lack of home training, feel free to chime in with your own horror stories from the battle lines. This is also told with a significant slant towards what the fellas have been doing wrong. Maybe lolita will give us solutions for the errors that the ladies are making (assuming they admit to any infractions in the first place).

onetrik…(training) don’t leave home without it…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

One Response to insufficient home training…

  1. morningjoi says:

    I’m so distracted by the photo…

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