men of a certain age…

greetings from a brief layover in cdg following my final evening in e europe sans sleep…please accept my apologies for any incoherent thoughts or hungarian gibberish…

there comes a time in every man’s life when he earns the right to start stories with “there comes a time in every man’s life”…as you can clearly tell, i have reached that age..

my 34th birthday came up on me faster than your baby mama when she sees you having fun with another chick in the club…cause you know they hate that ish…although i don’t feel old, i can definitely tell this lifestyle is catching up with me…

of course you’ve already heard me talk at great lengths about the party life as well as some other aspects of growing old, but today i’d like to talk about the aspect that everyone seems to really care about…

ever since i turned 30 i noticed that there was a group of young ladies that have gathered around the base of my life to watch father time whack away…awaiting their opportunity to yell timber as i fall violently into that life of commitment, children and picketed fences…this of course excludes anyone that wanted to date me prior to 30 or who genuinely thought i was a good catch…mainly because you ladies only exist in my mind after a few sips of something expensive and flammable…

*a preemptive sidebar…this post does not apply to any lady that just so happened to fall in love with an advanced aged gentlemen who just so happened to feel the exact same way about you…however, those of you who are hovering around 29 year old gents hoping that once the clock strikes midnight on day 10950 (that’s 30*365…genius…i know) your old school mash dreams would come true…

although i appreciate and applaud your ability to wait patiently while i search for mines to plant in our current “dating situation” i often wonder if you realize the imminent risk associated with your geriatric affinity…tis true that once we men reach a certain age, we start to slow down to allow ourselves to be caught by lady looking to outpace her biological clock…but being caught is only the beginning…and i really do believe this is where a lot of young non-lolita-esque chicks begin to get it twisted…

the criteria for wife-dom never really changes…at some point it becomes a bit easier to drop off your resume’…unfortunately that rule also applies to any others with similar intentions…this actually makes the competition for the elder heart that much more intense…because of that old geezer’s new found appreciation for stability, he may now be combing through applicants in a very diddy/trumpesque scrutiny…if you are cream, you will keep rising…if you are “whatever the opposite of cream is” you will end up feeling like cream for about 2 months or however long it takes the distinguished gentleman to realize that lack of internal quality…

hopefully, the careful application of this post into your life may lead you to get rid of the metamucil pancakes and walk away from the front porch of the old folks home and perhaps back to cupid’s waiting room…where you can now go about trapping men the old fashioned way…unplanned pregnancy…because we’re never really too old for that…

elrock…the older the berry, the sweeter the juice…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

One Response to men of a certain age…

  1. Pingback: men of a certain age…remix… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

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