the breakup bill of rights…

in a recent scientific study at the university of statistics i make up, it was proven that 87% of relationships eventually end in a breakup of some sort…these breakups often leave one or both parties wondering how to most efficiently move on to the next inevitable breakup preamble…as luck would have it, relationship exiting is my specialty…although i usually exit them right before i get in them…it’s kinda like having a trapdoor on the front porch…

i digress…

now of course we, the people of ubf hope that all of your relationships lead directly to delicious 3 tiered wedding cakes…but in the event that your love boat inadvertently meets that proverbial iceberg, please make sure at least one of us is a part of your rebound strategy i have devised a short list of breaker/breakee rights to help aid in this transitional period…

– the breakee has a right to a decent explanation of the reasons for the breakup…following the explanation, the breaker must also make themselves available for follow up q&a sessions…the number of sessions, should be proportional to the duration of the actual relationship…as a general rule, there should be 1 session for every month the relationship lasted…after the final session, all additional questions should be directed to anthony hamilton and the alcoholic beverage of your choosing…

– the breakee has the right to engage in one additional “no-no” act of their choosing…however, if said act leads to procreation both parties are then obligated to also engage in 18+ years of unadulterated regret…

– both parties have the right to retrieve their ish…this, however, must be done in a timely orderly fashion…anything left behind longer than 3 weeks may end up on ebay to help finance the courting of the new boo…

– the breakee does not have the right to impose a dating moratorium…this means that the moment one of us deems the relationship to be over, a new dating period can ensue…and probably already has…the period of mourning that you assumed would take place in the weeks following the separation actually took place before the breaker started working on the breakup powerpoint presentation…i believe you called it the relationship…

– neither party has a say in who the other party can date next…with a few exceptions…for every month the relationship last, each participant is given the right to add one person to the “people who are now off-limits” list…this list must be comprised of only people whom you personally know and may never include anyone from the “dream cutty” list (this list, which always starts with halle berry is composed of people you don’t necessarily know but can cutty if the opportunity ever presents itself)…if a person doesn’t make the list prior to the breakup, they are fair game…

– you have the right to develop an opinion about the new chick/dude…as long as  you are clear that this opinion will only be valued by those not currently involved in the breakers new relationship…sharing these opinions with the happy new couple will serve to make you look like a crealous cocktail(that’s 1 part crazy, 1 part jealous)…

– and finally, the breakee has the right to retain any and all gifts received during that pre-breakup period…this includes promise rings, letterman’s jackets and that other ring that signified the breaker’s intention to never become a breaker…

and there you have it…now go out there undate wisely…

elrock…i’m a mess right now…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

3 Responses to the breakup bill of rights…

  1. morningjoi says:

    A session for every month the relationship lasted???!!! Flag on the play, homies! So if we dated 2 years, I owe you 12 break-up convos? That’s too much doggone follow up! If it takes all that, the breaker needs to work on their communication skills. If one thoughtfully and thoroughly expresses their full feelings/reasons for a breakup and offers a sympathetic and responsive ear to the protests/questions of the breakee, this should take (on average) no more than 3 discussions. After that, somebody might need to get a therapist.

    But this advice must be for those of you that are challenged in your communication skills. In a mature world, by the time a breakup happens, nobody should be all that caught off guard by the reasons. But yeah… that’s in a “mature” world.

    Ok… back to the comedy…

    • morningjoi, your points are more than valid…bill of rights 1st amendment…3 discussions it is…

      • TT says:

        2 years would actually yield 24 break-up convos…but who’s counting. Anything beyond “I’m done” is just extracurricular babble….and I don’t have time for it. My new freak is calling.

        BTW- I’d like to point out the fact that Elrock only sees relationships on a month-to-month basis, rather than an annual cycle…I believe it speaks volumes to and validates his lack of relationshipery…

        Just an observation.

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