training camp…

A few weeks back a brave commenter asked whether or not hanging with other women multiple times a week was problematic for a guy in a committed relationship. Well considering I’m only committed to the shows on my DVR and two groupons about to expire, I’m probably not the best person to answer that inquiry. However it did get me thinking about the ramifications of constant association with the fairer sex in non-romantic settings which then led me to uncover a science fair runner up worthy concept.

Before we jump in…if you are A) currently dating me AND B) would like that to continue, then you might want to skip today’s post as it may include more than your daily dose of honesty…but if you continue on, you can’t say I didn’t warn you…

Not a surprise but the upside to a disproportionate amount of homiettes in the crew is consistent female interaction training. While these interactions fall outside of the slayfest variation that most men look to pursue with non-homiettes, one thing that can’t be overlooked is that crew members are actually still in possession of lady parts which women you do intend to slay also have. Unfortunately this consistent exposure may subject you to additional responsibilities vs. regular homies (e.g. opening doors, picking up the tab, sharing a coat, playing the role of boyfriend when holla-man hovers, etc.) but the payoff may in turn actually be invaluable. What I didn’t realize until the 10 minutes of concentrated thought I dedicated to this topic is that I regularly find myself in a perpetual training camp of sorts focused on XX chromosome management when sharing kickage sessions with the homiettes.

But why does that matter? I’m glad you asked.

The fellas and I have a term we like to refer to as ‘charm school.’ For those not familiar, it is that intro stage where an unsuspecting newly met female’s interest ride a nice big yellow bus to a class where I am the professor teaching a specialized course on why she has met the man of her dreams.  And let’s just say my charm school has a near 100% graduation rate. No student left behind at its best.

Aside: Many of the homiettes have watched this process from the sidelines (looks at morningjoi) thinking this is a mere façade meant to sneakily acquire all of victoria’s secrets. That is a debate for another day.

On further inspection, I realized the reason for charm school’s success has little to do with my credentials as a professor (read as car, crib and career) but instead can be attributed to all that time spent administering practice exams to the homiettes. After hours of convincing that select group of females that know my faults from front to back to continue enjoying my company without any transfer of bodily fluids or significantly large financial transactions, it becomes rather simple to actually convince a noobie that my company is a limited natural resource that should be consumed often.

After having the opportunity to gauge a variety of womanly responses to various thoughts/actions/ways, the ability to predict the most efficient methods of opposite sex relations (referring to the non-horizontal type that lead directly to the horizontal type) becomes second nature. As much as I’d like to think my stunning good looks and confident swagger keep me warm during these cuddle buddy months, I should look no further than my group of female comrades for the good returns.

Don’t believe me? Let’s go to the examples. Where would I take a date this weekend had the one of the homiettes not just forwarded me those details for the upcoming ballet/restaurant/museum/wine bar opening? Would I still be asking for ranch dressing on my salads if left to my own devices? We all remember what happened last time I commented on what appeared to be a few extra LBs in a pair of the homiette’s jeggings? Reading more than Bill Simmons Book of Basketball in the last year was not my idea but it came in handy when that cute girl was reading Eat Love Pray in the book store.

I’ll stop there before I give away too much but now that we know this, there are a few key things we should all take into consideration:

+ Guys without substantial homiette candidates should stop trying to lay seeds in everyone’s real world farmville they come across. Save some of those requiring 3+ drinks you enjoy the company of for training/practice…oh and friendship.

+ Guys with an actual pool of homiettes should pay close attention to how they respond and listen to what they say in response (yes fellas these are actually two different acts). Their ways discovered in training, while not meant to be understood or explained, can be tracked and estimated for future endeavors on the real playing field. It may cost you additional rounds of drinks but write it off as an investment. I’m pretty sure there is a line item in your taxes for this.

The question I don’t have an answer for is whether or not women do the same thing to us or are they too busy hoping for some type of my best friend’s wedding end to the friendship??

onetrik…forget yeezy…the homiettes taught me…


About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

3 Responses to training camp…

  1. mboogie says:

    great post and this is uncharted territory for many men who assume that women ‘friends’ are just around for smash-age or they need to get gone. Its valuable to have women friends.

    I dont necessarily keep my male friends around to gain insight on how to approach them…but I do FULLY welcome and appreciate the male perspective on my dating situations and they (read: onetrik & another homie) have saved me a few times from situations by offering their perspective.

  2. morningjoi says:

    You’re welcome.

  3. Pingback: insufficient home training… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

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