the boomerang effect…

So go ahead and gather around the computer screen as it is once again story time here at ubf. This tale was inspired by a term I was recently introduced to called ‘dating karma’. Evidently some of you out there are running around treating future exes respectfully in a hope to bank enough good will that you will eventually drop the maid/men from your usual wedding title. Once I stopped laughing, I instantly thought of a particular evening that will probably have me with an unending amount of alone time in the future.

As a bit of background, a particular lady and I decided that it was no longer a good idea to date as she expected our semi-frequent interactions to lead to some facebook relationship status changing while I looked at them as a reason not to be on facebook looking at statuses. However, as responsible adults we decided to remain friends (she attempting to keep me in her life such that I might change my mind and I attempting to keep my tires and windows in there current place of non-f’d up). As friends often do, she invited me to attend a function with her. With an empty dvr and not close enough to pay day to go on an actual date, I accepted her invitation.

As the night progressed, my alcohol intake suggested that coitous should be added to the evening as a last minute addendum. Given our recent decision to move to friendville (amazingly not a facebook game yet), I maturely decided against enjoying such activities with her. But realizing a partner would probably make for a more enjoyable experience, I switched from alcoholic to booty caller.

After successfully identifying a willing recipient of the goods, I gave the friend the two minute warning of her portion of the night being just about up. She obliged and agreed to drop me at my place of residence. With my window between standing up and passing out being exceptionally small at this point, I notified the player in the on deck circle of my pending arrival in the slayer layer. Coordinating efforts she responded that she’d head that way in a few.

With all things pointing towards a happy ending, you savvy readers realize there has to be some unforeseen curveball on the way…

Well the unfortunate part of this story would be that my designated driver’s bladder somehow reached its capacity and needed relief and she has something against gas station restrooms so mine seemed like the only option. But then with a newly empty urine holder, she decides to make her self even more comfortable by sitting on the couch and starting up a conversation. Meanwhile text messages are telling me that the pre-ordered bootay is on the way.

Following futile attempts at ending the conversation with yes/no answers to non-yes/no questions, I decide to go the less traveled route and tell the truth: “a girl will soon be walking through that door and the clothing optional portion of the night will begin.” Bluntly realizing she is being subbed out of the game, she heads for the door. Trying to remain a gentleman, I escort her out to the elevator to…wait for it…only be greeted by the other young lady coming off the elevator. At which point I reckon that I’m the only one that is truly appreciating the true efficiency of timing.

So I’m not sure how or when the dating karma powers will seek reparations but I did learn a few things from this experience:

+ my place needs more elevators…

+ while ovens do not mind you pre-heating another while standing in front of them, women do…

+ awkward moments are better heard than lived 110% of the time…

+ when not interested in the ‘you can have the draws’ package with a certain girl, you should probably make it a point to drive yourself in order to increase your chances of claiming that package elsewhere…

In place of comments, feel free to include judgements today.

onetrik…you gotta cooooorrrdddinate…


About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

7 Responses to the boomerang effect…

  1. Coco Loco says:

    Oh the humanity! I’m not gon’ tell you what Friend A had in mind. You’re a smart man, you’ve figured it out. She slapped the steering wheel through her tears as she headed to the nearest 24-hour donut bar to call her single girlfriends and talk trash about how lilonetrick leans to the left and Friend B’s weave leans to the right. Hope Friend B knew her role and didn’t try to hit you with the Dwayne Johnson eyebrow (or elbow.)

    No judgment, brotha. You were a victim of cruel circumstance.

    • exactly…I’m the victim cotdammit…no worries on friend B delivering side eyes or elbows…she was the saving grace of the entire story but I chose to leave those details out as lolita says we have to keep a PG-13 rating on the blog…only implied sexual situations…

  2. Soumynona says:

    Oh sweeeeeet Lilly! That was some ish and one of the very best short stories I’ve read – it was kinda like edgar allan poe meet walter mosley, perhaps with a little Tyler Perry but I limit tp references bc he lives in no (wo)man’s land so there’s no way he could relate. First of all, I commend your manliness, just flat out saying there’s a babe coming over takes tremendous (fill in). I knew that tock was clicking tho, like tick tick tock, when is she going to leave. I’ve been in situations vice versa where the girl I had a previous relationship with was coming over and I was trying to get my little jump-off out the house or at least to hide for a few hrs. You are a man amongst men onetreeezay. Karma may not come around the same way bc of the honesty. I do kinda believe that your girl perhaps suspected someone was coming to ur crib (solicited or unsolicited) so she may have knew what she was doing…

    • sometimes the stories just tell themselves and I’m merely the only participant with an outlet to share…hopefully the karma police prescribe to your logic and there is a halle berry at the end of the dating tunnel waiting for me…that is how the secret works right…you just say what you want and you get…halle berry…halle berry…halle berry…

  3. YEPStars says:

    Hmmm…no judgments here. Next time feel free to utilize the drive-thru window strategy. You know it’s late night and the car at the window has a greasy burger in her lap, meal paid for and holding up the line. Meanwhile car #2 is anxiously waiting, knows her order, has exact change and is ready to pay and move on. Car #1 knows she’s holding up the line because she has no other plans. In this case the employee tells her to drive forward.  In other cases  , Car #1 puts in a large order and car #2 has to wait. In this case,
      the employees have learned to master the built in contingency time (around 5 minutes) in case orders get backed up. So next time tell Friend A to pick you something from the In N Out up the street. Tell Friend A she has two options:  exit or stay and watch. 


    • the mature and sober daytime version of me would like to say there won’t be a next time…but the realistic drunkard in me will print out this advice and keep it in my wallet next to my bail me out of jail list…

  4. Pingback: Tweets that mention the boomerang effect… « Us, Bottles, and Friends --

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