my (ideal) valentine…

Even though elrock convinced us that this faux holiday was no more than a ponzi scheme and the never ending emails from have forced me to change email addresses permanently, I am still somewhat unsettled with the fact that I sit here alone on the day of the little fat man/baby in a diaper with a bow and arrow that makes you settle…the more important thing is that I have no one to overwhelm with chivalry and gifts…

[moment of silence for this ‘woe is me moment’]

But don’t fret you dedicated ubf readers…while I can’t virtually open your door or pay for your delightful Sizzler meal, I can however deliver you a gift on this amazing Hallmark created holiday…and in typical onetrik fashion this gift will be slightly self-serving…

I bring you the characteristics of my desired valentine…and what better way to do that than through celebrity examples such that you fully understand what the requirements include…not to say that she needs to be a celebrity (however knowing any of these ladies will make this quest significantly easier) but the following will paint the picture of what St. Valentine intended for your guy…

–          Eva Longoria’s lack of intuition…seriously someone that has no idea that me and the homie’s date have been eye-screwing all night is a skill that comes in handy…

–          Fergie’s lack of femininity…assuming that is accompanied by a better understanding of the importance of sports and the body’s elimination of gas through one of two holes…

–          Jennifer Hudson’s work ethic…I mean damn…those before and after pictures are so far apart they can’t even be photoshopped into the same frame…

–          Halle Berry’s ability to ruin what on the surface looks like a great relationship because I’ve recently realized I don’t want to miss out on this emerging ‘second wife’ trend…

–          Tracee Ellis Ross’ hair…I just want to lay in it and watch people on family fued talk about smoking weed

–          Natalie Portman’s dominance and competitive spirit…she must listen to DJ Khaled’s only recognizable song on the regular because home girl hands out beatings…

–          One of the Kardashian sister’s championship luck…I’ve had my eye on this rec league basketball championship but our team just can’t get over that hump…

–          Rihanna’s red hair…that joint sticks out in the crowd as a warning light if I’m ever caught in a creeping situation…and she can’t lie about using your brush…

–          Kerry Washington’s forehead…I want her flaw to be something that keeps me grounded but doesn’t get her kicked out of bed…

–          Katy Perry’s heart…if it can support those mammary glands then she is going to be living for a very long time…

–          Rosario Dawson’s jaw…it just seems so strong…enough said right?!?…

–          Beyonce’s outlook…because as my exes have discovered…I’m for damn sure replaceable…

–          Oprah…you didn’t expect her to make the list with the small exception of her never ending money stacks but instead I’m adding her ability to have mama dukes love her…as a self-appointed mama’s boy this is an integral piece…

Obviously this is just a joke…I don’t need my future valentine to have anything in common with Oprah…but what isn’t a joke is the 364 days you have to find her such that we are not sitting here next year having a similar conversation…

What about you other ubf loners? What are you looking for in a valentine? Or more interestingly, what are those of you with a valentine looking for in an upgrade? I won’t tell unless I know them…

onetrik…all celebrity charitable donations are tax deductable….


About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

5 Responses to my (ideal) valentine…

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention my (ideal) valentine… « Us, Bottles, and Friends --

  2. Tiffany says:

    Wow…looks like I wasn’t the only one trying to avoid Cupid’s holiday. No one commented on this blog post. So now that I’m a few hours passed the holiday I think I can actually talk about it.

    I met up with one of my advisors (yes I have a tribal council that I turn to for guidance) and she said I need to come up with a list of the qualities I want in a mate. I LOVE lists but for some reason this is the one list I have NEVER made. I guess my fear is I don’t want to be like Chili and have too many requirements on said list. I don’t want to limit who “the one” might be. But I promised my advisor I would come up with this list and since I can’t seem to sleep, no time like the present. Maybe I’ll share my list…IDK…might be a list not meant to share.

    • and here I was assuming that everyone was out searching for my valentine and too busy to comment…

      as all know, we at ubf fully support any form of a list and especially one associated with what is wrong with the person you are currently settling for…

      oh and sharing is always caring so we look forward to judging…I mean reviewing your list once completed…

      • Tiffany says:

        Only because I love you guys I’ll share (still might blog it myself to explain/clarify) …this is the list I came up at like 5am this morning. So it’s probably in it’s “purest” form cause I was just awake/restless enough to dig in to the subconscious and put my thoughts to “paper” (aka a Google doc).

        1. Tall
        2. Sturdy (aka physically fit)
        3. Great smile
        4. Strong hug/embrace (I want to feel safe and loved in his arms)
        5. Good kisser
        6. Strong but gentle hands
        7. Good communicator…I can talk to him about any and everything and I want to talk to him about any and everything (no secrets)
        8. Penetrating eyes
        9. Similar sex drive
        10. LOVES to travel
        11. LOVES sports (preferably football and basketball)
        12. Book smart and street smart
        13. Loves to laugh and make me laugh
        14. Able to love me unconditionally [Loving (big heart)]
        15. I never have to think about the last time he said I love you because he says it every day.
        16. Giving
        17. Caring
        18. Understanding
        19. Emotionally supportive
        20. Has my back (no matter what)
        21. Honest
        22. Outgoing (social)
        23. Not afraid to publicly display love/adoration for me/with me
        24. Willing to cuddle
        25. Likes to dance (I haven’t slow danced in forever)
        26. Believes in a higher power
        27. Has a career, not just a job
        28. Has dreams, goals, aspirations
        29. Financially responsible
        30. Values quality time
        31. Is a planner…or if not a planner, let’s me plan and goes with the flow
        32. Has a life, likes that I have a life but is willing to integrate me in to his and in to mine (where appropriate)
        33. Wants a family
        34. My mother has to like him (not all my friends or family…just her)
        35. Likes to eat out or cook
        36. Likes to go out…our home is our sanctuary but we don’t spend all our together time in it
        37. Social drinker…I’m not an alcoholic but I like a good glass of wine or champagne
        38. Will rub my back and/or feet cause I would do the same for him
        39. He doesn’t complete me, he compliments me…we make each other better

  3. Soumynona says:

    The Oprah shout out was hilarious and brave bc I’m sure she has someone scouring all of blogdom for Oprah hits that she will personally recompense. However, Rosario does it for me. I’ve never wanted to be Will Smith more than in 7 pounds. Well maybe back in the day when he released the Summertime music video but that was b4 I discovered life was more than hot sun and basketball. On a totally random note, for some reason Tina Fey’s dry humor sparks a curious suspicion that all is not dry and for that reason she’s on my Valenine list

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