more is better and other lingerie lies…

the first time i saw the catalog, victoria’s secret was out…god really had been receiving my voicemails that whole time…it was like a comic book for young males who were curious to see what their 5th grade teacher looked like under that christmas sweater…and i enjoyed it due to its artistic value, of course…and because it taught me that babydolls and teddies weren’t just for little kids…but over time, vickie took her secrets a little more mainstream…now she sells panties with conversation heart-esque psa’s and pink sweat suits that are every color but pink…go figure…

with victoria turning her back on lingerie, it has come to our attention, that many of her customers are choosing to do the same…i take the stage today to address some of the most common lingerie misconceptions in hopes of returning those semi-garments back to their rightful place…my bedroom floor…

the whole concept seems pointlessaccording to lolita, you ladies are now walking through life like sailors at a port city brothel, ready to hunch anything that can hold a phone for 10 minutes…unfortunately your outward signs aren’t nearly as noticeable as ours…the lingerie can serve as “yes i’m more than ready” alert mechanism…a female special occasion erection if you will…nothing says happy birthday/anniversary/ unemployment check day like some well placed lace and some ash-less knees …then again, maybe i’m the only one that doesn’t like hanging out between snow capped mountains…

he never notices it anyway…the problem is you ladies see those lacy garments as outfits that are to be modeled, discussed, slowly removed and properly folded…while we see them more like that paper pouch that houses a chick-fil-a sandwich, the only thing standing between us and a date with heaven’s grease…the response you should expect is for us to tear into it like a 7 year old on christmas morning…the amount of talking that takes place is inversely proportional to how interested we are in seeing what’s behind those 43 strands of eloquently woven fabrics…the more dialogue that takes place, the more likely you are to hear things like:

– what’s wrong, didn’t they have one in your size…

– that’s ironic…my girlfriend/wife has one just like that…

– hey, can i borrow it when you’re done with it…

– zzzzzzz…

all that to say, less talk is definitely better…

more is better…i was first introduced to this concept when i was greeted by a young lady wearing lingerie that looked like a choir robe…it is difficult to play posturpedic polo with someone who looks like they just walked off the set of the bobby jones gospel show…of course i did it anyway because i hadn’t reached my sin quota for that particular week so i figured i could double up, but still…we men are extremely visual creatures…that’s why the strippers that come out on stage with parkas never graduate from college…that being said…less is more…if you can slap a belt on your nighty and wear it to work or grab a microphone and lead the mississippi mass choir, be prepared to discuss some world events this evening…

i am really hoping we were able to clear this up…yes we like it, no we won’t tell you (verbally) how much and make sure i can preview some of the show before i raise the curtains…

any questions…

elrock…i’m going to disneyland…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

3 Responses to more is better and other lingerie lies…

  1. TT says:

    I have to agree with this post. My dear came home a few weeks ago to me in some “specialty garments” covered only by my apron (because I was cooking dinner for him) for safety issues…

    Needless to say, although he comes from the left side of the traccs, red became his favorite color for the evening….

    Might I add the heels gave it that extra special touch!

    • umm…your forgot to attach the photo…i kid i kid…unless you’re gonna do it…

      ladies, as this testimony indicates, you too can forge a gang truce in your kitchen, living room, bedroom etc…

  2. Pingback: Tweets that mention more is better and other lingerie lies… « Us, Bottles, and Friends -- Topsy.com

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