you think you know…

I am always surprised when men tell me about women.  As I pretended to be was watching the Super Bowl on Sunday, I decided to share some of the gems my male buddies threw out there during commercial breaks and halftime as “knowledge” with the readers of UBF. Allow me to swiftly shut them down. Without further ado…

–        We have issues with all other females – false. We have issues with other females that are, were or could potentially be involved with you. We also aren’t huge fans of women that you fantasize about. (That means you crazy berry)

–        We are all insecure about how our man perceives our bodies – also false. By the time a woman reaches a certain age, she is much more inclined to have a take it or leave it attitude about getting naked in front of her dude. Either he likes it or he doesn’t. It’s safe to say if you like one part of our bodies, you won’t mind seeing it sans distracting materials. Otherwise you wouldn’t be trying so hard to see us without clothes. And we know that.

–        You think about sex more than we do – After adolescence and early twenties, the roles reverse. While men are on the decline, we are hitting our prime. A smart woman pulls a Vivica or Eva Longoria and finds herself a younger model so that he can keep up. Sure, men think about it a lot. But after a certain age, we actually do it a lot instead of just thinking about it ;)

–        We all want to be in a relationship and dream about white picket fences – Some of us do and some of us don’t. But the character of Samantha from Sex and the City is not an urban legend. Even Carrie had her fair share of commitment issues. I can tell you from experience, the fear of boredom & monotony a relationship rut is not gender specific. Some girls really do just want to have fun.

–        We don’t fantasize about other men during sex – Yes we do. Not all of us, but enough of us. Especially when the relationship has reached ‘routine’ status. Sometimes inserting Patrick Willis (Good Gawd Almighty!!!) into sexy times with my QB can alleviate the need for faking it. Honey, you can thank him later.

–        You are all bedroom svengalis – Think again. Only 50% of you even know where it is.

–        We all want to cuddle after sex – Actually, I think this is only a requirement if the sex wasn’t that great. My research has shown that a satisfying round of carnal calisthenics is a very effective sedative. Meaning if you do it right, we won’t know if you are cuddling or not, hence why we will not care.

–         We like to talk on the phone – Wrong. We don’t all like talking on the phone. We like when you call us. The difference? Calling doesn’t necessarily mean we will blow an hour of our already packed evening on conversation. It just means that you put your big boy boxers on and picked up a phone instead of the communication copout commonly referred to as text messaging. It’s the thought that counts. A ten minute conversation is just as effective as an hour long one.

–        We like when  you play hard to get – When I was in high school, the 3 day rule made sense. Now? If I gave you my number 3 days ago, I may not remember who you are by the time you get around to calling texting me. Many a communication has gone into Lolita’s Phone’s Black Hole due to the downtime between getting the digits and using them. We’re getting older and tricks are for kids. If you want to play games turn on your xbox.

While this is by no means a comprehensive list, it was difficult to extract much outside of touchdowns and Kim Kardashian’s superbowl commercial. Between the short attention spans and the obsession withsports, it’s no wonder men are so often misguided. My ladies- what other nuggets of wisdom can we pass on to the less informed sex?

Because you have no idea…

-lolita

 


 

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

4 Responses to you think you know…

  1. Lolita says:

    I implore all my ladies to click on the Patrick Willis link. I sweat a little when I look at him…
    Really.

  2. Pingback: more is better and other lingerie lies… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

  3. SdotKikko says:

    The guys you were with actually talked about these things DURING the Super Bowl?

    • Lolita says:

      In between commercial breaks and halftime…surpringly yes. I guess when you put it that way it is pretty impressive lol…

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