how to escape sack whackness…

i believe we’ve reached the point in our blog/blog reader relationship where we can start having the tough conversations…and as anyone that has ever had a tough conversation knows, this means you’ve probably done something wrong…and today’s offense is being less than stellar in the space between the flat and fitted sheets…

now if your first response was a silent mental denial, you should still continue to read because you are most likely the worst offender…

producing sub-par sexy time is actually another one of those instances where we fellows have the most practice upper hand…meaning, we have pretty clear indications that the performance we just turned in was less than award worthy… like the absence of leg twitching, the presence of a stern look of disappointment post dismount or an updated facebook status that reads “well that was a waste of 6 minutes” …

but when it comes to accessing your award worthiness, the clues are not nearly as clear…when asked how well you perform, most of you would probably say something like “well, i’ve never received any complaints”…and what, exactly, would we ever really complain about…let’s face it, pretty much anything you do would probably still have you exceeding the skillset of your two top competitors who currently reside at the end of my arms, hands down…

so in the vein of providing useful insight and information to the masses (and i use all of those terms very loosely), here are a few signs that you might be receiving an n for “needs improvement” on your love wrestle report card…

– if you’ve never asked for any suggestions or made any changes to become better, then you’re probably just as good now as you were when you started 11 years ago…

– if you learned everything you know from redbook or cosmo then you’re probably the perfect lover for a woman who gives advice on pleasing men…

– if you’re pretty sure you “wore your guy out” yet he jumps up and heads off to cut the grass, solve the budget crisis or perform any other strenuous activity…

– if your “performance” could be done while sleeping…cool if you’re dating a necrophile…not cool for pretty much anyone else…

– if you’ve never watched the work of a professional…on second thought, scratch that…exposure to lex steele’s jungle meat might actually lead to a different type of expectations conversation…

– if you don’t keep the shrubbery trimmed…converse with your guy as to how far to go, but he should never be able to lose anything down there but his virtue…

– if your pelvis never swivels…that swivel is the key card that allows you to leave that “good” floor and gain access to the “great” penthouse…

– if you’ve never initiated it…to you it makes you look loose but to us it makes you look ring worthy…

– if you’re going to go down there…don’t just whistle a tune…really rock the show…yeah this really deserves its own post…

– if the only positions you are willing to try can be found in the mormon “big love” handbook…i’ve never actually read it but i would assume it would probably make one sleepier than any of the performances depicted inside of it…

– if you look up/back/over and your guy is watching sportscenter, working a soduku puzzle or texting your best friend…then yeah…and by yeah i mean no…

– if you make a lot of noise for no reason…actually i don’t think that has anything to do with your performance, it’s just really irritating…another one to consult with your guy on…

fellows, did i leave anything off of the “you should probably be doing this” list…ladies, i know you’re itching to tell your own “worst i’ve ever had” story, but can you put that to the side for a moment and offer up some more advice for your sisters…

elrock…i’m only doing this for my…no your…actually it is my own good…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

4 Responses to how to escape sack whackness…

  1. The D.E.F.I. says:

    I actually like the noise, when it’s accurate. And appropriate. My neighbors have a 6 or 7 yr old daughter, our shared wall is relatively thin, and…well, I’m pretty sure they hated me while I was with my ex. Another one for your list, though:

    Ladies, learn the value and power of the quickie. Nothing makes a guy love his girl more than her pushing him into a closet, bathroom, or empty bedroom at a party and having at him for 5 or 10 minutes. And then walking through the party afterward with a mixture of “I just climaxed so hard that I tasted colors and nobody knows!” and “If y’all do know, then I know you’re jealous”? Priceless.

  2. Pingback: Tweets that mention how to escape sack whackness… « Us, Bottles, and Friends -- Topsy.com

  3. Pingback: the dating grinch… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

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