what’s in a number…

it’s the question that everyone dreads…so much so that it’s pushed so far down on the dating questionnaire that most couples don’t get to it until they’re already sharing closet space and awkward silence…that’s if they get to it at all…

how many people have you slept with…

yeah i know…gasp and swoon…

your forehead moistened just thinking about the next time you might have to answer…the fellows are trying to figure out if slow winding on a chick with a run in her tights means you can add one, while the ladies are trying to figure out if mr.  9 pump can be excluded…the answer is no in both cases…

now that  you’re both thoroughly disappointed, i’d like to raise your spirits by providing this foolproof scientific method to determine the tread on your potential boonopolis’ privates….thus giving you the ability to hurdle this question forever…

i’ll start by helping the ladies because they’re impatient it’s the easiest…

to figure your guy’s number just decide how many you think you would be comfortable with…double it…tell him that number, allow that ego to smile a little then go get tested divide it by 3…

for the guys, figuring out the lady-gorithm is a little more involved…let’s break it down for the average 30 year old woman by partners per her life phase…t1-85’s ready…go…

 

15 – 17 (the wonder years)

0 – 1…most of you found #1 somewhere in here and then decided to take some time off because it wasn’t nearly as enjoyable as it looked in the soaps…

 

18 – 22 (the finally on my own years)

1…because he helped you move in…

1…because he took you to applebee’s…

1…that 1.5 – 3 year college relationship

 

23 – 25 (“who gon check me boo” years)

1…the revenge smash/rebound guy/guy you kinda liked in college right before you got booed that randomly found you on facebook…

1-2…the one night stands or the random jump-offs  you did just to see if you were emotionally able to have emotionless touch-n-tingle…you were not…

 

26 – 30 (grown woman status)

1…another 1 – 2 year relationship

1 – 6…average 1 – 2 per year (subtracting that  .5 – 3 years you decided to try a little draws-pause (celibacy) to allow your lesser sexed friends time to catch up get right with jesus)…

 

the “resent-ables”

1 – 2…the ones she either can’t really remember or will never ever discuss… i’d actually love to hear the offenses that get dudes on this list…(cou lolita gh)…

 

that gives us a grand totaled range of…8 – 15…and you didn’t even have to ask…

ladies, if your number somehow leapt above 15, just make 15 your new number…if you find yourself below 8 you’re in luck…that dude onetrik is on a good karma kick this week…

now if that was the million dollar question, its seventeen dollar nephew is why does that number even matter…if your mate doesn’t require a 14 pill cocktail every day, it really doesn’t…

the ego monitors among us would have you believe that we’re just on a quest to be  “the best you’ve ever had”…and the number helps us figure out how many people we’ll have to breakdance-battle once we get in there…you’re incorrect and we have nice consolation prizes for you backstage…besides our egos never even leave that point up for discussion…

we’re actually trying to figure out how many times we might have to encounter “the look”…the look none of her past partners are hesitant to give out when you bump into them at the macaroni grill…the “oh that’s your girl girl” look or that “if you knew what i knew, you’d never take that fork back” look or that “i’m the reason she’ll never try that again” look…

more concerning than the “how many” is the “who”…the number could be 2…but if those 2 are likely wedding party participants, further soul searching may be in order…

exhale…see how fun math can be…

elrock…but for real, you can keep that fork…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

5 Responses to what’s in a number…

  1. Lolita says:

    I’m sorry where are the comments? Bravo elrock- once again, this was hilarious!

  2. Kristen says:

    Awesome post.

    What’s in a Number
    starring Seth Rogen,Katherine Heigl, and who ever else we’re tired of seeing. LOL

  3. Pingback: the waiting game… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

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