speed dating…

For inspiration here at UBF, we often draw on drinking a variety of different sources.  One of my favorites is a well known financial chat room disguised as ‘work’ where a group of men people in finance are allegedly discussing stocks and bonds. Invariably, the discussions always deviate to women relationships. Today, I asked one of my favorite financial gigolos chatters what the topic of the day was. He asked me to write about why minority women think it’s ok to be fat under the guise as “thick”.  This answer garnered him the ultimate side eye from me.

In lieu of that offensive theme, discussion topic two was why women are in such a hurry to go from “Hi- nice to meet you” to “This is my soul mate”. I found this one particularly interesting as I shamefully admit to being guilty of this in a previous life. Having gone from wistfully seeking a lifetime companion to the complete opposite of not even wanting to think past next week, I believe I am in the unique position of seeing both sides of the coin.

First, I’ll start with the comments from the men according to my well placed source. “Why do women expect sex to mean anything if it happens on the second date? And why do they assume I won’t come back for more? It’s not the sex that made me run. It was the creepy behavior afterwards. There is a happy medium you know…”  I think I can answer these. For question one- I won’t go into the biology behind our “clinginess” hormone coming out once coitus has occurred. Not because I don’t want to, but because I think it’s bull—-. I could have sex with Idris Elba tomorrow and I promise you my attachment to him would have nothing to do with some trick my brain was playing on me. He’s hot and I would want to brag to my friends. End of story.

It’s very simple- for many women, sex signifies giving up something. In some cases, it’s the leverage to guarantee you keep calling back in hopes of having sex with us. In others, it’s the idea that we’ve been intimate with a new person and would not want to have to repeat that with someone else next week because you decided to fall off the face of the earth and disappear.  If we have sex with you, at least 80% of the time it means we want you to stick around. In the remaining 20% of situations, you were being used, but that’s a blog for another day. I don’t think any female expects an instant boyfriend from second date sex (or first or third, etc.). But as gentlemen, you should probably call us after you get some (assuming this isn’t a mutually agreed upon one night stand). Otherwise, the young lady in question feels played. You are misinterpreting her need for respect as an assumption of commitment.  Sex should not be your cue to stop bothering to get to know her or stop doing the things you were doing before you smashed. Be consistent- that’s all women expect early in a situation.

For question two- every girl’s worst nightmare is to be Ms. Hit it & Quit it. But if you don’t pick up a phone the day after your first fender bender, it can feel a bit like a hit and run. Lack of communication gives off the wrong signal. And that’s where that ode to Cee Lo Green voicemail that she left you comes from…

As a lady: Guys- don’t flatter yourself. We aren’t all clamoring to be your girlfriend. When I was younger, I definitely wanted a future with almost every single guy I dated. But that’s how many very young women act. It’s expected and you can’t fault them for acting their age. (Perhaps you should read my blog about hanging out with children…) My experience has been that as we mature, we get a bit more discerning.  I can’t speak for everyone, but I honestly don’t do anything without being fully aware of the consequences at this stage of the game. That means that second date sex may very well turn out to be a one night stand and I know that before I do it. It also means that dinner and a movie is just that: Dinner and a movie. ‘Dating’ does not get turned by fuzzy logic and my brain’s Venus translator into ‘Boyfriend’. As a matter of fact, the thing most mature women do is date as many men as possible when single. Dating is just that- getting to know a variety of people to see which one you like best. I’ve had many occasions where men have tried to turn a casual date into a Lolita insurance claim. Between the ego and sense of entitlement, men are not immune to the phenomenon called speed dating.

At the end of the day, my advice to everyone is to cool your jets. This is a marathon, not a sprint. So slow the hell down before someone issues you a ticket. But more importantly, communicate your intentions. It goes a long way.




About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

3 Responses to speed dating…

  1. Monique says:

    Thank you, thank you, thank you! You took every thought I’ve had about this situation/experience and just laid it out perfectly!
    I’m so glad that with age comes wisdom, and for me maturity. I too used to think that every relationship I had would last for quite a while if not forever. But recently I’ve accepted the concept of actually dating… and I LOVE IT!
    I’ve also realized that I can’t have casual sex because “every girl’s worst nightmare is to be Ms. Hit it & Quit it.” Paragraph 4 just sums it up for me!
    Great post! This one will definitely be bookmarked and forwarded onto so many of my friends!

    • Lolita says:

      Thanks Monique- Kind words are much appreciated. I definitely feel that dating became a lot more fun once I realized it’s not that serious! And I find it funny how every man thinks women want to “wife” them. Sometimes you just want to stick your toe into the water and feel the temperature. That does not mean you want to dive all the way in. I am very curious to hear the boys thoughts on this. I know onetrik thinks every lady wants to be Mrs. onetrik hahaha

  2. Pingback: the waiting game… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

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