i don’t usually do this but…keep the party going…

on the day after we celebrated the legacy of one of the most transformative figures in american history, i thought it only right that i spend today’s post talking about something totally unrelated…

last week, lolita sent shock waves through the 30+ party crowd as she took on o.p.p….old people partying…and because of this, many of you spent this long weekend tucking your mustard hued steve harvey suits a little deeper into your closet while contemplating a fatal jump off of a combo stack of high school yearbooks and school diplomas…

i ask you sirs, please step away from that cross-coloured high top faded portfolio…all is not lost…as much as we love to lead you to the cliff with our prologues about your problems, we also enjoy snatching you back with some simple solutions…that being said, i’m here today to show you how your party life should evolve…

high school – don you finest school clothes just to stand around and talk about what you would do if someone hit the lights then end the night discussing what you would’ve done if the lights were off a little longer…and who can forget the obligatory “let’s see who got the most numbers” contest…

college – show up about 20 minutes before the dj and stay until the club sun returned; utilizing the time in between to floor hunch some unsuspecting coed into submission…and then see who got the most 4 digit room codes at the end of the night…

early 20’s  – sit in a sedan sipping something flammable until it’s inhabitants are just sober enough to stumble into the spot…spend all remaining disposable funds tipping the bathroom attendant for chicklets…and then see who got the most area codes at the end of the night…

late 20’s – put on nicer clothes, ditch the in vehicle preset… and repeat your early 20’s…

30 plus – one morning you wake up in a button up and some boxer briefs and realize you dozed off looking for your good loafers and missed the party…and you’re not exactly upset about it…

at this point…you have a decision to make…you can grab a jared’s catalogue and call up the last chick you took to ruby tuesday’s or you can commit yourself to responsible, efficient grown folks partying…if you chose they former, congrats…we’ll see you in about 3 years…

if you chose the latter, you’re in luck…as a party life veteran…i have a some suggestions that can extend that o.p.p.  another 5 years…

– party when the sun is out…day time parties and cookouts are usually over before the local news comes on…when the crowd decides to make that late night club move claim clean up duty, grab another rib and use it to summon the sleep fairies…

– take pre-party power naps…either you’ll wake up bursting with energy or dream about a party better than the one you just slept through…

– never go to any set sponsored by a radio station…you’ll be shaking 22 year olds out of your sheets black-n-mild smoke out of your good jacket for days…

– never try to go out 3 days in a row…every hour of party now requires 15 hours of recovery…put the calculator away…just know there’s not enough time…

– you’re no longer getting cool points for keeping up with the latest fashion trends…this denim restricted ankle movement craze will fade, but that classic properly sized button up is forever…

– if you ever find yourself in the mood to dougie or any of those other young people dances…pour your drink on your head and set yourself on fire as that will prove to be less of a spectacle…

– you’ve ruined enough lives already…the only number you now need to be worried about is 2:15…the time when your desire to be in these streets is exceeded by your inability to stay awake…leave now or star in your own youtube video entitled “old guy falls asleep in club”…

sorry…i nodded off there close to the end…did i miss anything…

elrock…dirty old man training academy…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

3 Responses to i don’t usually do this but…keep the party going…

  1. ladybison says:

    Hmmm, how does one implement said rule for all-star weekends and the like?

    p.s. – which one are you? Jigga or Diddy? In the Elrock/Onetrik one, two combo?

    • you just have to pick your days/events wisely…all star weekend 08 was the last time i attempted the triple dip without midday naps…i woke up right about the time that last party was ending…keep in mind that you can be out without being in “go hard” mode…
      i also pack my inhaler and personalized defibrillator just in case i start getting ahead of myself…

      i am actually that random guy in the background…probably holding a bottle that is a lot less shiny than the one in the foreground…maybe a bronze ace of diamonds or hearts…

  2. Soumynona says:

    my dude said “pour your drink on your head and set yourself on fire as that will prove to be less of a spectacle…”. That ish was funny…and so true

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