straight up…no chasers…

slide up beside a young lady at the bar…just close enough that your breath and $67 cologne can singe her nose hairs…offer to buy her a drink…follow her around until every drop of condensate has dried from her glass, all the while massaging her inner ear with tales of the album that’s about to drop, the wife you’re about to leave or the mama’s basement you’re about to vacate…compliment her on body parts that you really shouldn’t be paying attention to…and finally act surprised when she refuses to part with her digits…

it’s the chase…and we men, with our simple minds and innate inability to recognize rejection, are built for it…but it has come to the attention of the ubf staff that some members of the fairer sex are now engaging in a little role reversal…we’re all about fair and equitable treatment, but i’m almost positive this one wasn’t covered under title ix…

having lived my life on the side of the pursuers makes me wonder why anyone would voluntarily sign up for it…don’t all answer at once…

wait…i think i just heard “god sent me that man”…which unfortunately is a response that is way more popular than it should be…now, i’m no theologian…and there have been some happenings in my life that made it pretty evident that god doesn’t value my opinion enough to seek it prior to doing his god thing…looking at you razorback sugar bowl loss…

i am thinking, if god sent him to you, he’d probably be closer to…no…with you…just don’t know that he makes his living delivering your “blessing” to someone else…i guess in the same way that dominos, with their fresh wisconsin cheese, california tomatoes and break away field buildings would never survive consistently delivering pepperoni pies 3 doors down from the folks that ordered them…(this section was brought to you by allstate and the christian pizza eaters of america)

now chasers, i know you don’t come up with these dream schemes all on your own…there’s always a well intentioned cheering section composed mainly of the chicks you thought were your friends who are secretly plotting to take your dude once you screw this up your girlfriends egging you on…but rest assured, “girl, you betta go get yo man” should never be a complete sentence…it is actually a phrase best spoken before “out of (insert horrible situation)” or “a gift certificate to the sizzler”…

a sorta-wise person (whom i really want to give props to but really can’t remember right now) once said, men are like taxis, once the “light” comes on they’ll just pick up the next “fare” and drive her directly to the altar…or something like that…i say sorta-wise, because it’s only partially true…that back seat has some age, iq and breast size requirements…

in any event, i realized after a summer stint in the big apple that once that literal cab light goes off, not only do they not stop, they actually seem to never notice you giving chase…or they take pride in possessing the extra acceleration necessary to leave you standing there clutching your knees panting like a bad newz kennel escapee…yeah…there’s a clever analogy wrapped up in there somewhere i promise…

so to those fleet footed females it’s time to turn in your sprinting spikes…the man chasing stops here…i’ve seen this movie and its various endings…at best you end up looking/feeling foolish and at worst you’re getting worked over in the church parking lot by the  biggest bridesmaid (or the one with the longest rap sheet) while “your man” is inside doing the electric slide with his new bride…

and for the record…patiently waiting for someone who is not interested in being patiently waited on = chasing as well…

am i the only one that sees this new man chasing epidemic as a problem…are you ladies ready to relinquish your role as the chasees…please let me know before i put this cologne on…

elrock…on your mark…get set…wait…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

10 Responses to straight up…no chasers…

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention straight up…no chasers… « Us, Bottles, and Friends -- Topsy.com

  2. morningjoi says:

    This might be my favorite UBF post ever!

    I quote: just don’t know that he makes his living delivering your “blessing” to someone else.

    It’s really just that simple. Make yourself interesting, approachable, engaging… but certainly not foolish.

    Bless our hearts.

    • coming from one of the original “f’s” (and one of the ones that has a good bit of the game figured out) that means a lot…i might print this comment out and post it on my refrigerator and pin it to my shirt…

  3. ladybison says:

    I don’t comment very often, but this right ‘chere caused me to make the extra effort…….infinite wisdom + lots of funnies = UBF post of perfection!!! I want to take this post to my favorite happy hour, next hair appt, the dancefloor, grocery store, gym that I don’t belong to, in short, everywhere, and show it off to all and sundry!!!!

    **breaks out into rain dance, praise dance and my signature dip it low**

  4. ladybison says:

    p.s. – And for those who need visuals when digesting such thoughtful streams of consciousness, well, the picture says it all!!!! Too funny!!!!

  5. Pingback: the one…for now… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

  6. Pingback: cut to the chase… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

  7. The Mrs says:

    i blame the feminist movement. it all went downhill from there and look where we are now? just joking, kind of, but that’s for another day. i mean really, who cares that you actually need a man? obviously, with all of these desparate women out there, a man is not only what they need, it’s what they want. but they drank the kool-aid about being independent and thinking like a man. and now they can’t get one and don’t know what the problem is. go back to being a lady. let a man be a man. he will come to you. don’t go to him, meet him halfway, but please don’t run to him. i’m glad you have put this out there because i was seriously starting to wonder if all men had turned into little punks and liked this new approach by women. great post!

    • i like cereal because it’s easy…i eat a lot of it and keep a lot of it around for that reason…but if asked to describe what i would like my last meal to be…cereal probably wouldn’t make the menu…
      i’d be lying if i said we didn’t enjoy tripping over jump-offs periodically…but when it comes the one, we’d like to have to put a little work in…

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