getting in the loophole…

There is a theory that a woman knows within 5 minutes of meeting a man whether or not she would sleep with him. This is absolutely true. It’s the number one reason why I don’t believe in eHarmony- that frog never turns into a handsome prince in real life. I think I can speak for a large percentage of us when I say that some men never stand a chance. For most attractive self respecting women, some men will never make the final cut. Period.


However, this statement is not without its loop holes. For every rule, there is an exception. I find that the guys on UBF often relinquish their Man Cards to share a little knowledge with female readers. Today, I’m feeling a little generous- Allow me to introduce the following work arounds for being a man that we would never intend to sleep with.

1.      Be the Rebound Guy-  The Scenario: Devastating breakup. The girl was in love. Unfortunately, he wasn’t. Because he was poking a little too hard on facebook, The relationship implodes. That’s where ‘guy we wouldn’t have boinked if the human race depended on it’ comes in. At this point, the female in question just needs to prove that she is better off without the last guy and has moved on, so almost any guy will do. Typically, a worthy rebound is superior than the ex in one of a few key areas:

a.      He is better looking than the ex boyfriend- this is the ultimate win as arm candy is great for the Facebook photos!

b.      He has more money than the ex boyfriend – Nothing says ‘I’m better off without you’  like that all expense paid trip to the Maldives…and the Facebook photos to match.

c.       He has a bigger ___ than the ex boyfriend – This is a private win, but a win nonetheless. Engaging sexy times can add temporary amnesia to that natural nightly sedative. The extra pep in her step is usually a dead giveaway anyway. If your  nickname in undergrad was Dirk Diggler, you might be a worthy candidate for Mr. Rebound.

2.      Be the sleazy guy that does sexy time with the drunk girl – The Scenario: She’s drunk. The rest is pretty easy to figure out. A girl gets her beer goggles on and that frog can, in fact, become a prince. Just remember people press charges for things like this. You were warned…

3.      Hang out with the perpetually single i.e. lonely girl- The Scenario: She’s been single for like…forever. Much like liquid courage, loneliness has a way of blurring the lines between smashable and unthinkable. Hang out with a women in her prime who is not winning medals in Banana Olympics and she is bound to give it up in at some point. Her weak moment is your 50 yard field goal Adam Vinatieri style. It’s a long shot, but it can happen…

4.      And finally, my personal favorite: Be part of Revenge Sex – The Scenario: Girl in question is pissed off at her ex and wants to get back at him by smacking bellies with another fellow…and making sure he finds out all about it. Contrary to popular belief, Revenge sex isn’t all about smashing the homies. As a man, you do not necessarily need to be friends with the ex in question in order to benefit from some good old, angry “That’ll teach him” sexual slaying. But, being his friend is an added bonus and definitely better aligns you as a worthy candidate. All you need is a time, a place and some strategic cajoling. If you can place yourself anywhere near the targeted female and her ex and a drink, you can possibly be the guy that helps her get over the other guy. Her vengeful flirtation is your opening. Once you leave with her, the rest is up to you.

Rules are meant to be broken. Don’t just be an exception, though. Please: Be exceptional. She’ll thank  you later…otherwise, you’ll be just another one hit wonder…





About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

3 Responses to getting in the loophole…

  1. Regarding 1c… how would you have already known that he qualifies?

    Bad Lolita…bad, bad Lolita!

  2. Pingback: Tweets that mention getting in the loophole… « Us, Bottles, and Friends --

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