Speaking of Representation…

What you see is not always what you are getting. Objects in mirror may be larger smaller than they appear. And everyone comes into this spectacle we call dating repping their “A” Game.

Yesterday we learned that onetrik’s rep is a model citizen right up until five minutes after those naked pelvic magnet sessions. He is not alone in this. For I too, have been shamelessly selling lemonade when really, I’m just lemons. The difference between many false pretenses and me is that I’m not necessarily changing things about my personality to make myself look better. That would make me a man be dishonest. In fact, I am exactly who I say I am from day one. It’s you that has become the annoying one, causing me to be a little less sweet as time goes on. Let me explain.

My male friends often complain that women “Change” after carnal calisthenics have taken place. Apparently we become “Emotional” or our “Expectations” increase. I’m exceedingly glad that onetrik posted so clearly about his shady alter ego representative. This has provided a huge opening an invitation for dialogue. Now it’s time for me to explain what those “Changes” men think they see are really about.
1. There was a phenomenon in high school and college where men would chase you relentlessly. Long talks on the phone, walks in the park, quality time. One day you would feel comfortable enough to give up them drawers start ‘doing time’ with your new love. And then like Emril, BAM! Calls fall off. Quality time starts after 7pm and ends before noon. Walks in the park become an urban legend. Here’s a secret: This phenomenon doesn’t just happen in high school and college anymore. Grown men do it too. So, that really unfortunate behavioral update some women engage in after sexy times may have a little correlation to the representation you feigned in order to get some relations…

2. When we first met, your screaming tirades at the Knicks in front of my television were a great display of your passion. Your loyalty! Your love of your team. Three months in and it’s just obnoxious. Now that you are comfortable, the “I love my team” has graduated to “Shhh shhh-ing” me if it’s not a commercial break. Instead of laughing and cheering you on the way I did in the beginning, I’m now asking that you shut the __ up so that I can hear myself think.

3. We really didn’t mind cooking and cleaning and fetching beer and water and getting you a damp washcloth etc, etc. after we were knee deep in sexy times relationship mode. Afterall, you were taking me out every weekend. It all felt very intimate and domestic. That is until you decided those fancy date night dinners should go from 50/50 to 100% Lolita’s kitchen.  Last I checked, we aren’t anyone’s wife. Why not wash my dishes and play Harriet Tubman for me for once? It’s not necessarily about spending money, but this is equal opportunity giving. Here’s the dishrag- it’s your turn. The Martha Stewart Home routine is getting a little tiresome.

4. About those dates. No one expects to be dating Donald Trump. But as an ex once told me- how you behave in the beginning sets the tone for the entire relationship. Fellas- don’t throw your money around like Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Diddy, Sean Combs, iamdiddy if you can’t keep up the pretense. If you attract women by flashing dollar signs, don’t be surprised if you notice some “changes” when the well runs dry. I’m just saying- you get what you paid for.

5. As women enter their 30s, they start to reach something science calls “Their Prime”. Men on the other hand…not so much. So that representative that was an All Star MVP at least 6 nights a week was a good look for our team. This bench warmer dude…not so much. That attitude I have isn’t PMS. It’s called sexual frustration.
So there you have it. The third law of physics: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. The dismissal of a worthy representative can have dire consequences. Just ask the last guy I dated. Firing his Representative simultaneously brought down That Chic Lolita…and introduced…

That B_tch Lolita…and that’s just the way it is…

About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

4 Responses to Speaking of Representation…

  1. Marcie says:

    Throwing in the “damp washcloth” on this one. *claps twice* “sexual chocolate; that girl is good”

  2. The D.E.F.I. says:

    You know I want to fight you on these, right? Just by nature. lol. I’m having trouble doing so, though. Damn my man-card may be in jeopardy.

    I have to say, though, that I’m a big fan of #5. The sex drive of women in their early 30s…whew. *shivers*

  3. Soumynona says:

    Ish! Lolita, this is the shi-ite I’m talking about like hamas on that azz (I have no idea why the islam references in this comment). I love how unabashedly you present your argument and I agree (to whatever extent my manliness will allow before subjecting me to the Tyler Perry gender) – – – looks in the mirror and now realizes that if only I had written one more poem my 24inch rims wouldn’t have been slashed, nor my iphone tossed in the river, nor my ferret poisoned…

  4. Pingback: the waiting game… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

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