no relations without representation…

So ubf fam I come to you today with a confession…I have a representative…no wait scratch that…I have a great representative…

Don’t believe me? Give me three dates…money back guarantee…

However regardless of my representative’s track record, I’m sure I’m not the only one competing in these ‘are you worth sharing my health benefits’ sweepstakes with a good representation of themselves. Actually go ahead and raise your hand if you are looking forward to a date with his representative this upcoming weekend. Ok put all your hands down before your co-workers realize you aren’t on those tps reports.

The real reason this is a confession today is because of the medicinal side effects of my rep. But before we jump into that, I’ll give those of you not able to decipher good representation a few pointers.

You are still engaging with my representative if:

+ You’ve told yourself, your girls, your hair stylist, your boyfriend or your moms that I am like no other guy you have ever met before…while I know I’m better than the last fellow you facebook stalked charmed into a rship, I’m no dating Neil Armstrong (or Jackie Robinson for the more afro-centric)…unfortunately you are still swooning over the rep…

+ We are still in the first two weeks of dating…assuming that you are not a hermit, we haven’t made it through that introductory ‘get to know you’ stage where we want to know everything about each other…for all you know I don’t ever have to #2 at this point…which means it is still the rep…

+ We talk on the phone for more than 20 minutes and it isn’t the weekend…as a preferred texter, this accumulation of anytime minutes on a plan that only includes 300 is obviously not normal behavior…please pass this verizon bill to the rep…

+ I’m paying too much attention…while it is likely I’ll remember you don’t eat shellfish assuming the other girl I’m dating has similar tastes, it is a completely different situation to remember what you were eating when you lost your first tooth…the rep is here to stay if you still believe in the tooth fairy…

+ I am able to make the latest BET uncut r&b jammy jam a direct relation to our budding courtship…even though you aren’t the long haired, hazel eyed boniqua from the hook…now introducing dj rep…

So now that you have an idea of when you are in the presence of good representation, I’m going to tell you why I do it.

1)      You probably wouldn’t go out on that second date with the real me that doesn’t believe in utilizing that fancy up and down feature of the toilet seat.

2)      More importantly, you wouldn’t agree to having naked pelvic magnet sessions so soon with the real me that consumes more POpcoRN than movies.

3)      You sent your representative so all is fair in trickery love and online dating.

4)      You’ll fall for my representative much faster than the actual me which in the long run saves me on [insert expensive restaurant] dinners and $15 drinks.

Now I’ve obviously painted the rep in a somewhat negative light so far but that was by no means my intention. Instead my purpose is to help A) identify the representative and B) explain his purpose such that you lovely readers of ubf stop falling for all of those reps out there. That is not to say you shouldn’t reap the benefits of good representation. Please do as it is an extension of your potential mate’s character to some degree. Said another way, he has the capabilities to bring that rep out from time to time but it will not be a regular visitor in your rship. But consider treating it like a hotel you stay at on vacation. Eat the chocolates. Take long showers. Sip on the fine liquors in the little fridge. Enjoy the mattress goodness. All the while knowing that you will eventually have to go back home which means you will have seen the advantages of the representative come to an end and the actual person comes up for air (some of us can hold our breath longer than others). This is when you should determine your level of ‘happily ever after’ compatibility because unfortunately your fondness for the representative will do you little to no good for the next 40-50 yrs of hopeful coupledom. Waiting out the representative will remove the need for those ‘But he used to do this…” talks with all your single friends looking for a reason to sink your rship. As a consolation prize, you can still capture the representative in all the boo’d up facebook pictures. *Say cheese*

Has anyone been bamboozled (or done the bamboozling) by a representative?

onetrik…he’ll be here in a minute…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

3 Responses to no relations without representation…

  1. morningjoi says:

    Wow. You’re telling on yourself this morning. If they don’t listen now, then there is no hope for the (your) future in these streets.

    Pay attention, dammit and sit down somewhere. Patience is a virtue, not to mention an amazing pain-preventor .

  2. Pingback: Speaking of Representation… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

  3. mboogie says:

    wow…you really did put it all out there homie! lolz

    there are no excuses any more for not knowing…

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