till death do us…forget it…

I hope all of the readers at UBF got what they wanted for Christmas & New Year’s.  Many of you have come into 2011 with some new hardware. Some extra bling to weigh down your right hand. It’s engagement season, afterall. This is that time of year where men have had too much to drink come to the conclusion that two should now equal one. That you should be their better half in sexy times and bad. That they want to spend the next five years or so rest of their lives with nobody else but one person. It’s all so lovely. I love engagements. When I shared the news with my father that a bunch of my girlfriends got engaged, he looked at me and snorted, “Ya? That doesn’t mean a damn thing. People get engaged all the time. I was engaged once for five years. I never married her. Tell me about the wedding. If there is one.”

At first, I shuddered at his cynicism. But unfortunately, in my experience, 75% of these happily betrothed couples never actually get married. Don’t believe me? Let’s look at the ever reliable and official celebrity statistics.

Julia Roberts has been engaged to everyone from Dillon McDermott to Kiefer Southerland. She’s only been married once. And it wasn’t to either of those guys. While Eddie Murphy’s ex-wife mulls over how to make another easy $15 million via marriage vows, her current fiancé, Michael Strahan is probably backing away slowly. Remember when Gwyneth Paltrow was engaged to Brad Pitt? Yeah neither do I. What about that disaster that was J-lo and Ben Affleck? Before Tom was jumping on couches, Katie Holmes was engaged to some other guy…And once upon a time Selita Ebanks was Nick Cannon’s fiancée. Kanye West had a fiancée as well. Bristol Palin, Paris Hilton…everyone’s been engaged. None of these people got married. At least not to each other.

These days, it seems people aren’t taking that $10,000 token of affection ring too seriously. Everyone wants to get one, but not too many people actually make it down the aisle.  In order for my readers to not become a celebrity statistic, I’ve put together a short list of ways to know in advance that you probably won’t be jumping the broom anytime soon.

1.       No one else thinks you are going to actually tie the knot with the person you are engaged to – While I always say ‘Who cares what people think?’, this is one of those rare occasions where ‘people’ might be right. I know a couple who spent more time drinking and clubbing than family planning. While their engagement was quite shocking, it was no surprise to any of us when their engagement mysteriously evaporated into their mixed drinks.

2.       Your parents are not happy about it. – I hate to admit this, but your parents still know what’s best for you 75% of the time. If your mom looks like she is about to choke when you say you are engaged to That Chic, there is probably a good reason why. She probably knows something that you don’t…yet.

3.       Your friends can’t stand your partner – Again, this sounds silly, but it isn’t. The mixing of two lives forever and ever till death do us part can be quite tricky business. If no one on either side gets along, it’s an omen of future compatibility issues. You are the company you keep after all…

4.       You have a promise ring – Some ladies confuse the hush money disguised as a promise ring this higschool-ish token of ‘I’m not marrying you anytime soon’ as some sort of long term promise of engagement. If you have to promise some one that you will eventually ask them to marry them…someday, it’s a pretty good sign that you aren’t going to. Ever.

5.       You don’t feel ‘ready’- I have a friend who is recently engaged and let’s just say she isn’t as excited about that ‘Last train to Paris’ as a lot of young ladies with huge diamond rings are. She says sentences that contain the phrase, ‘Last Time with anyone Ever and Ever and Ever’ and definitely has some questionable text messages from exes in her phone. But she’s still planning that wedding…

The key in 2011 is not to make the same mistake twice.  Forever is such a long time…




About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

3 Responses to till death do us…forget it…

  1. Kathleen says:

    Might I add… if you get engaged…and want the wedding to happen…make sure he puts the ring on the correct finger…it’s not a guaranty…but it’s a step in the right direction.

    I believe you meant new hardware on the left hand…. :)

    • Lolita says:

      LOL i meant the right as in proper (correct) hand but yes- that’s very easily interpreted as right vs. left (and probably what 99% of readers got from it so my bad ;). I actually was going to throw in a sentence about the jewelry we buy for ourselves not counting which was where that statement was coming from, but it didn’t make the final cut. So indeed- glad you caught the gist regardless of my ubf drunken typing…:)

      • Lolita says:

        But in other news…any thoughts on the actual blog? Critiques on the content? Disagree? Agree? ;)

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