some things don’t change…

Cheers to the homies…they are 2 for 2 on lobbing up Nicki Minaj booty-sized topics right on my facebook wall for me to tackle…and cheers to me if you just got a mental picture of her booty being lobbed…

This week I received a link to an article written by a college guy explaining the topic of “let’s just be friends”. The author did a good job defining the situation and even giving guide posts for how ladies (or gents that may find themselves in this awkward place) should trek through the offered friendship…all in all…it was a solid post with some good takeaways…

Well if you are looking for any more sound advice, you should probably stop reading now and come back tomorrow for marcie’s post told by lolita…because today all I have is a vent disguised as a rant told from a high place known as my soap box…

Let’s set the scenario…following an initial meeting where your enhanced physical attractiveness and loud music muted personality exceeded my alcohol weighted requirements curve (and vice versa I assume)…we decide to jointly enter this choose-your-own-adventure dating conundrum to gather further details on each other not found on our respective facebook pages…I continue to send out my best representative on these engagements winning you over with my amazing non-dirtbag ways (which are safely tucked at my place watching the game you made me miss)…we enjoy checking off 10% or so of your 20s/30s bucket list courtesy of my bank account…you wait your arbitrarily selected number of dates before agreeing to leave a second set of remnant mouth juice on my pillows…which triggers my own bizarro version of who wants to be a millionaire where the longer you stay the less money you’ll see…sensing our initial descent you assume it is something you can fix and in turn increase your aggressiveness meter… unfortunately your aggressiveness meter is magically inversely and disproportionately linked to my give-a-shit meter…do the math and we find ourselves at ‘the talk’…

As adults, we decide to designate a time and place for the talk…your objectives for the talk are 1) to garner my interest in changing my name from ‘my friend onetrik’ to ‘my boyfriend’ 2) eat a meal not made directly in front of you behind a glass partition 3) enjoy each other’s company in the day time with clothes on…my objectives for the talk are 1) for nothing to change 2) get out with the bill under $70 3) you not cry…

During the talk, you receive my explanation that I’m not really a company guy and my current position suits me just fine…looking to keep a good employee you agree to move forward with things status qou…

Fast forward until the pending violation of your faux-bf expectations…we both find ourselves surprised…you that I didn’t recognize the additional responsibilities I acquired following the talk…me that you were not listening to the talk parts where you weren’t talking…insert talk part dos…

Depending on your aforementioned enhanced physical attractiveness and patience with not moving forward, this proceeds iteratively indefinitely…so I decided to save us some time and just say that anyone finding themselves in this paradigm should go Chris Brown…deuces…before you go Chris Brown…

It isn’t a trick or trap…if we wanted to be your boyfriend, we would do it when given the opportunity…

*drops the e-mic*

onetrik…now where is my step stool to get down…

Advertisements

About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

11 Responses to some things don’t change…

  1. Sami says:

    I love love love this post! So much truth to it…

  2. Carver The Great says:

    the story of my life: i repeat this process 7 times at a minimum.

    • Carver The Great says:

      correction: i repeat this process 7 times a year minimum

      …i hate catching typos late…

      • morningjoi says:

        Really? 7 times minimum each year?

        I swear, I’m gonna have to start a support group. You and Onetrik can recommend my services. I need my women to do better.

  3. Pingback: Tweets that mention some things don’t change… « Us, Bottles, and Friends -- Topsy.com

  4. Marcie says:

    1) onetrik, thanks for the shout out! what a nice pre-Christmas present. and you claim not to be the romantic, boyfriend, gift-giving type ;) (lol)

    2) yeah, the talk is sometimes necessary. not necessarily b/c women want to be your “girlfriend”…well, sometimes women want that. however, there are times where men begin behaving like a boyfriend (rather expecting women to give them the benefits of being a boyfriend.)

    although a female may be fine with them being “cool after hours,” there are some things that must (or should) be reserved for more established, committed adventures.

    personally, when i sense a man moving into requests/expectations of that nature, then uhhh, we need to have “the talk”…or at least a talk so that said male can determine his real intentions.

    sometimes, men only want to be cool. sometimes, men really want more and want to gauge how far they can go & how much they can get FIRST…i call it their “poker face” where they will call your bluff (status quo), raise the bet (new titles & adventures on the table) or fold (chris brown deuces).

    • if making shout outs puts me in the romantic, boyfriend, gift-giving category, then there may be hope for a future mrs. onetrik…I’ll notify mama onetrik as she was beginning to worry and wanted to have her own version of a talk with me…

      and you are spot on with your description of the times when men want the benefits of the boyfriend (usually without the expectations)…it is a design flaw in the single edition of men…

  5. mboogie says:

    damb homie…tell us how you really feel! lolz
    the illest line of this blog post: “so I decided to save us some time and just say that anyone finding themselves in this paradigm should go Chris Brown…deuces…before you go Chris Brown…”

    *daps you up* real talk…

  6. Pingback: you go first… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

  7. Pingback: what she had meant to do… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

  8. Pingback: ubf and 2010 walk into a bar… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: